PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

AOf course, the best way to prove 'em wrong is to perform your job well. But we know it can take time to build a good rep. In the meantime, a good start is to dress and behave as you wish to be perceived. Looking neat and professional goes a long way toward gaining people's respect and confidence. If you need to reply to implied (or explicit) concern that you're not old enough to do the job, you can try a variation of my sister's stock response. She's an opera singer and, even at thirty, is still considered a youngster in the classical music world. She says, "Lucky me to have had the best training possible with the best people in the biz. The learning and practice were the tough part; the doing it well is the joy."

That said, in some situations, experience can be reassuring. I don't know what your field is, but when my daughter was born last year, the first OB to see me was a resident. Confident, competent, clearly knowledgeable. But when it became clear that this delivery wasn't going to be quite as simple as assumed, I was unabashedly happy to see a more experienced doc on the scene. The resident had the know-how, certainly, but my doc has delivered hundreds of babies in her decade-plus career.

Be confident. Be assured. But try not to take it personally when some people equate performance with experience. I'm guessing there are a few things you yourself would rather trust to someone with a few years and successes under her belt. Beyond that, tempus fugit. Before you know it, you'll be the well-seasoned one.

AYour intentions are noble, but we will tell you to go All or Naught. Either say nothing about gifts and assume everyone will bring them, or say "No gifts, please," (knowing some people will still arrive with presents in hand).

Any Grace reading the words "No gifts necessary" will think "Well, it might not be necessary, and it's nice of them to give me the option, but boy, would I feel cheap and graceless if I went, enjoyed their hospitality, but didn't bring anything!" Other people, having taken the words to heart and arrived empty-handed, might be so embarrassed by the sight of other people bringing things that the evening will be spoiled in a way that shelling out ten or twenty bucks could never have done.

It's one of our tenets: Graces never arrive empty-handed.

One thing you can do to keep the gifts on the small side is to have an answer for anyone who calls and asks what your spouse would like. "Oh, a funny card would be more than enough." "There's a book she'd just love." "A pair of tickets/gift certificate to a movie at the Ritz would absolutely delight him." "Batteries. Seriously. Double-A's are the Holy Grail in our house." "She'd really adore a little potted basil plant." Or the "in lieu of" always works. Have a favorite charity with easy online donation. Then you can always say, "A few dollars to X would be fab."

You can check out the blog (twosocialgraces.com) for more simple gift suggestions.

Happy Birthday to your Beloved!

AThanks so much! Happy reading,

ATake this matter to your supervisor or boss. This definitely falls under the category of Workplace Comfort, and should be addressed, but it's not your job to do it.

AHmmmm...the Graces hate that type of humor, so Graceless.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Change the subject.  With the crowd you describe, "Would anyone like a beer?" is likely to present a sufficient diversion.  Other decoys:  sports teams "Did the thunderbolts win today?  Let's check the score." or movies "Has anyone seen Die Hard 17?  It's playing downtown in 15 minutes; any takers?"  (on the movie, avoid Merchant Ivory, Sundance, and anything with subtitles.)
2.  Excuse yourself:  "Oops, my phone is ringing and it's my boss--must take the call"  or "I  need to start dinner"  or "Oh, my, look at the time; I'll be late for my root canal/acupuncture/soap opera/manicure/dogsled race  if I don't take off right now."
3.  Throw them a zinger.  Not a Grace's first choice, but sometimes even Graces are pushed too far:  "So shocking that you are all still single."  or "When you reach beyond Freud's anal stage and developmental age of 6, call me.  I'll be reading The Social Graces."  or "I didn't realize we would be acting out the baser scenes of Porky's today.  Let me know when you do Babette's Feast."

If it persists, avoid their company.  Be sure to check out "Graceful Extrications" on twosocialgraces.com for some more ideas.
The Social Graces

AHmmmm....the Graces hate that "humor"....so Graceless.  Here are some suggestions for you to battle this blight:

1.  Change the subject.  "Would anyone like a beer?" is likely to get the attention of this crowd.  Ditto sports:  "Does anyone know if the thunderbolts won today?  Let's check the score."  Or Movies:  "Has anyone seen Die Hard 17? It's playing in town in 15 minutes.  Any takers?" (be sure to avoid Merchant Ivory, Sundance or subtitled films)

2.  Evacuate.  "Oops, there goes my phone; it's my boss--must take the call."  or "I'll go start dinner."  or "Oh, my, look at the time; if I don't leave right now I'll miss my root canal/acupuncture/soap opera/dogsled race.  Adios!"

3.  Throw them a zinger.  Not a Grace's first choice, but sometimes even we are pushed too far.  "Amazing that you are all still single."  or "When you advance out of Freud's anal stage of development, i.e., age 6, call me; meanwhile I'll be reading The Social Graces."  or  "I didn't realize we would be acting out the baser scenes of Porky's today.  Let me know when you do Babette's Feast."

We also suggest limiting your exposure to this crew.  Check out "Graceful Extrications" on twosocialgraces.com for more ideas!

ADear KB,
 We recommend that you keep doing what you are doing with a bit more structure.  Determine exactly how much and to whom you want to give—educational efforts, save the whales, AIDS organizations, etc. and stick by it.  That way, when you are approached, you can state your policy and if the charity does not fit into your giving goals you have a simple out.  Alternatively, you can set aside a specific amount each month/quarter/year that you are able to give and dole it out on a “first come, first served” basis.
 
Thanks from the Graces for supporting the charities that you do—if only more businesses were so community oriented!

AIsn’t it amazing how this can happen?  Obviously your guests did not read “Fish and Guests” on twosocialgraces.com, more’s the pity.  But onto your current dilemma:
 
Have a “welcome basket” ready for your guests.   It should be equipped with items that will give them some independence and mobility so they can explore your hometown and amuse themselves while you are at work.
 
The basket  should contain the following:
 
--house key, alarm code, and location of extra (hidden) key in case of emergency
--map of your city or town
--tokens or tickets for public transport if applicable
--guidebook to your surrounding area
--specific information on “what to do and where to do it”—sightseeing, golf courses, hiking trails, shopping areas, spas
--passes to museums, gardens, historic sites.
--current local magazines
--toiletries that might have been forgotten
 
Provision the house with breakfast foods and plan dinners.  Lunch they’re on their own.  Show them how the TV works, brief them on any house quirks (sticky garage door, temperamental toilets, elusive cat, insane neighbors) and bid them a fond farewell as you shuffle off to work.
 
Hope the week flies by.

ADear Wanting:
Grace K lived through a similar scenario a few years back when an architect who was doing some work at a neighbor’s house started giving her some very focused attention.  As it happened, K knew the guy’s wife and kids and had met him a few times; as it also happened, he didn’t realize that (since guys like him rarely pay attention to the lives of others).  She nipped the inappropriate interaction in the bud by asking the lecherous troll how Ann, Johnny and Susie were doing.  He looked aghast, and was staggered when K reported that she knew them since their kids went to the same preschool.  Needless to say, he sputtered, gurgled, and couldn’t exit stage left quickly enough.   This strategy certainly works, but if it isn’t applicable to your situation, the Graces say keep your distance.   Instances will undoubtedly arise when exposure to this Don Giovanni is unavoidable; in such cases, we suggest the buddy system.  He will be far less likely to grope/ogle/proposition you with an audience.  When DG lurks, make sure you have your sig-oth, a fellow Grace  or a bodyguard of some sort (the building custodian, the event caterer, the local axe murderer) nearby to buffer.  If he does circumvent these measures and manages to make a pass of some sort, ignore it.  Excuse yourself as quickly as possible to the bar, the buffet, the rest room, and go back to keeping your distance and employing the buddy system.  If he actually makes a grab for you, be immediate and firm with a variation of "Not if pigs fly and the Schuykill turns to honey."

Pepper spray can be effective, too.

Kidding. We prefer tossing the dregs of our champagne into the face of cads.
 

AThanks, Linda!  We plan to.  Please come visit us at twosocialgraces.com