PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

AThanks very much for the comments! We really enjoy hearing what people have to say, not just about our "advice", but about manners in general, cultural differences, and changing traditions. If these things were permanent or static, we'd be out of a job!

AWe don't object to people saving seats, provided the people for whom they were saved show up.* You did the Graceful thing, suggesting that she offer the seats to someone who had requested them earlier. There really isn't anything else you could have done, and she should have relinquished the seats the moment it became clear that her companions weren't coming. I'm guessing her refusal was as much embarrassment as simple rudeness, although I could certainly be wrong.

As for repeated conversations on the cell phone: No, no, and no. One very quick, very quiet, "Where are you?" call is okay, as long as the lights are up. More than that is unnecessary and poor manners.

In general, we suggest that you take any complaints to a theater employee. Responsibility aside, you probably don't want to pick a fight with someone with whom you're going to be spending two hours in the dark. The worst offenders are usually not the ones to take criticism well.

And on a Harry Potter note... Some of us are making our way slowly through the final book with the resident seven-year-old. For those of you who've finished, please please don't discuss the ending in public! We might be standing nearby.



*We've written lots about those friends who just can't seem to get anywhere on time. Sometimes saving them a seat is the only way to be certain that you won't be climbing over people's laps twenty minutes into the film or craning your neck from the front row.

We also have a lot to say about cell phones...

twosocialgraces.com

ADear Stuck:
That does seem problematic.  Here are some suggestions:
 
Offer parents the opportunity to connect with you at your convenience to monitor their children’s progress.  This can be done in several ways:  set up a time during your prep period every week, fortnight, month that you are “available” and allow parents to come visit you.  Distribute your email address and respond to specific questions that way.  Call parents (don’t give out your number!) to discuss their concerns.
If someone continues to insist and openly discusses his/her child, state very clearly, “Confidentiality regulations prohibit me from discussing anything about your child that could be overheard.  This is for your child’s protection.  Let’s schedule a time to meet and discuss this.”
Be completely focused on the class, interact with the children and don’t leave an opening for interruption.
Be honest.  Tell parents up front that you have a long commute and if you hit the highway after 3:30 your drive doubles.  Then repeat items 1, 2, and 3.
 

ADear Sitter Service,
The best way to handle this is to address it before the fact.  Tell your roommates:  “We’re planning on bringing a sitter for the weekend.  She is primarily  there for our kids, but is willing to helping out with the other kids, too.  We are paying her $X and want to be sure she isn’t overburdened and underpaid, so we wanted to give you a heads up on it.”    If the other parents are unwilling to tip the sitter, be vigilant about making sure her workload only involves the kids she is being paid to supervise.  When she takes your kids swimming and Uncle Cheapskate’s kids want to go, say, “Freddie and Betty, you need to ask your Dad to take you to the beach.”     When she gives your kids a bath and puts them to bed, do the same.

AThere are two great crimes of theft in the Grace world: poaching a friend's fella and poaching her nanny. A true Grace would sooner swallow hemlock than do either. You were right to jettison the nanny. She might have just been looking out for her own best interest, but if we treat our helpers well, we have a right to their loyalty.

As for the "friend",  if you are the sort of person who can handle confrontation, explain calmly but firmly that what she did was inexcusable and will have a big effect on your relationship. If she seems genuinely contrite and you can hande it, carry on as pleasant acquaintances. Just don't trust her with anything valuable, be it person, thing, or information. If she is unrepentent or you're not a confronter, consider staying out of her sphere whenever possible. We don't generally advocate tattling, but this is a situation where it's fine to alert the rest of your group to what this member did. If they're not suitably horrified, you might want to take a good look at your mommy group. It might not be the one for you.

For more of our comments on these friends who make enemies unnecessary, check out "Friendship. Some of your questions. Some questionable friends." in our blog.

AIt's another tenet: A Grace admits when she's wrong and apologizes when she causes pain. Good for you for wanting, even needing to make it right.

Don't wiggle; don't waffle. Don't wait for an opening. Approach your friend (preferably in person, although a heartfelt letter will do), say, "I know I hurt you when I did X, and I'm so very, very sorry. You're too valuable for me to treat you shabbily, even unintentionally. It was completely graceless and thoughtless and I wish I could take it back. You've been incredibly forgiving. Thank you for that."

Resist any urge to harp on about how rotten you feel. It's good that you feel bad, but this is about how rotten you made them feel. If they need to vent a little, let them. Apologize again, thank them again for being forgiving, and move on.

AWhy shouldn't you celebrate you? Go for it. Have a Carrie Bradshaw moment. Our only caveat: Keep the registry reasonable. The original reason for wedding and birth registries was to help people who were equipping new homes and new lives. The assumption was that they didn't already have sets of dishes, Egyptian cotton sheets, and receiving blankets. In this day of two-career homes and later marriages/spawnings, the stuff is often more craved than necessary. You're obviously savvy and successful enough to throw yourself a bash; I'm guessing you own a good set of wine glasses.

Consider registering for fun, less expensive items: cosmetics (think Chanel!), pedicures, books and magazine subscriptions, theater tix. Throw in a bigger-ticket item or three, things you might crave but not buy for yourself, like an Hermes scarf or Kate Spade bag. Or a set of Frette sheets. Your friends can pool and buy.

Invite your mother, of course. She can choose not to come. Or maybe she'll buy you the scarf.

Happy You-Day!

AWe feel your pain.  Have a look at our “e-tiquette” post on twosocialgraces.com for more strategies to deal with e-rudeness.  In the meantime, we suggest you email your send-happy grandma friend the following:
 
“Dear Bertha,
Thanks for sharing the photos of your lovely grandchildren.  Unfortunately, my computer recently crashed due to a variety of factors, and until I have things sorted out I am asking my e-correspondents to avoid sending me anything.  I’ll let you know when we’re ready to receive again.   We have some tech folks working on it, but this has been such a catastrophe—lost a lot of material.  Please help us out and take us off your list until further notice.”
 
Or:
“Dear Bertha,
We have been invaded by a rather nasty computer virus and we’re not sure whether it is gone or not.  In order to prevent spreading it, we are asking that no one send us anything.  We’ll get back in touch when it is sorted out.”
 
Or,
 
Have a technologically savvy person flag Bertha’s emails as junk or spam and filter them out of your system without her knowledge.
 
Thanks for writing!

AOh, ick, ick, ick! Shame on her!

Our suggestion is to calmly approach the ill-speaking mother in a private setting and try something like, "It's come to my attention that you've had some strong things to say about my son. Has he done something I need to address?" This opens the door for legitimate comments (my generally-very-nice son once hastened the downward progress of a reluctant slider at the park, a transgression I never would have heard about had not the slider's mother complained to a friend of mine, calling my son a "psychopath") which, while they should have come directly to you, aren't just catty rants. If she really is just being nasty, confronting her will probably force her to either deny or justify. Resist the urge to talk your own trash about her or her child.

Of course, you might just want to let it go, hard as that might be. Not every child plays nicely; nor do parents. Sometimes the best response is to play on the other side of the park. With the nice kids...er, parents.

AIn case people haven't noticed, we Graces are big on thank-you notes. Our children often wish we weren't. For pre-writers, it's absolutely fine for an adult to write the note. For babies and very small children, the note should be from the parent; pre-schoolers can help in the wording and can sign as best they can. As soon as they're able (willing, of course, is another matter), they should be responsible for the entire note. It only has to be three lines: gratitude for the specific gift, a mention of why it was such a good choice, how it will be used.

"Dear Grace,
Thanks so much for the great costume. I really love the Harry Potter books. I can't wait to dress up as a Dementor and scare my sister!
Love,
Danny"

Drawings are an added bonus.

Help as much as you need to, short of doing the actual work. Explain that we write our thanks for both gifts we love and the ones we don't. Thank-you notes might never be a pleasure for your kids, but they can easily become a habit.