This is your forum for posing questions to our staff and certain professionals. As with all information on our sites, questions and answers are published for information and discussion purposes only. Such information is not a substitute for professional advice from an adviser familiar with your particular situation. We do not guarantee the accuracy, reliability or completeness of any information provided in our forum.
Keri White (top),
Melissa Jensen
Melissa Jensen
Ask The Social Graces
Grace K. and Grace M. Who are we? Two urban chicks, old enough to know, young enough to enjoy. Consultants, writers, wives, moms. Scourges of all things rude, crude and distasteful. We have opinions on nearly everything. We gladly share them. After all, as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself."
Read The Social Graces blog.
QDear Graces, thanks for the excellent suggestions for ensuring that my beach house guests leave as scheduled. Your ideas were subtle, gracious, and seemingly foolproof!
AWe're glad to have been of help! Enjoy the rest of your summer, with and without guests.
QDear Graces,
I was invited to the wedding of a friend that I was unable to attend due to a six-month work assignment overseas. I meant to send a gift, I really did, but it's quite easy to procrastinate when you're thousands of miles away and up to your neck in work.
It's now 10 months since the wedding, and I have always heard that wedding gifts are still appropriate up until the first anniversary of the wedding. Is it too late to send a gift? Would it be clever and charming to instead send a nice anniversary gift with apologies? I want to rectify my error, but sometimes the longer you wait, the harder it is to do the right thing.
AWe advocate sending wedding gifts as soon as possible after the wedding. Before the wedding is even better. But we've all been in your boat. It's never too late to send a heartfelt gift (this applies to thanks, congrats, condolences- just be sure to acknowledge your tardiness). A first anniversary gift would be absolutely fine, but we would suggest sending a.s.a.p. You can enclose a note saying something like, "Sorry for the delay. May the "honeymoon" last even longer!"
QA must read for handling any situation gracefully! Will make it a regualr stop online.
AThanks for writing- and reading!
QDear Graces, I live in a small flat with no dining room. My friends are accustomed to casual dining at a coffee table while seated on the sofa or in chairs.
But I'm now dating someone who's French. And impeccably mannered. Before I invite his friends over - have you any advice on the proper etiquette, table settings, etc. for such informal dining, European style?
AAh, bien sur, mais je pense...
Sorry. One of my momentary lapses into pretentiousness.
The French are much more formal away from the table than at it. Before the meal, guide your guests. Greet them with an offer of a drink (an aperitif, champagne, and wine are fine; booze isn't usually part of a French evening) and offer around an hors d'oeuvre. If making small talk, start with the impersonal, like mentioning a film you've seen, or a book you've read. Resist the urge to ask what your French guests do for a living, how they know each other, or why they're here in the States.
The French take food and dining beautifully seriously ("serious" doesn't mean "stiff" or "formal"). They don't eat standing up, in cars, or, usually, on sofas. If you can't set up a temporary dining table, at least use cloth napkins, real silverware, and good glasses. A typical, meal might be soup, followed by the main course (meat with a veg), followed by salad, followed by cheese, followed by dessert, followed by coffee. Courses are distinct and separate. Complicated? Non. Just try to do the following:
-Buy really good wine (several bottles of two different choices- Google or pick up a wine mag for recommendations), and really good, crusty bread
-Buy seasonal (most French food is far simpler than our versions with heavy creams and sauces might make you think) and fresh
-Serve the after-dessert coffee black (milk is for breakfast)
Most importantly, enjoy. The French are reknowned for their dinner parties as much because of their desire and ability to enjoy them as for the food. Everyone will come prepared to have a good time. There's no better basis for a party than that.
Sorry. One of my momentary lapses into pretentiousness.
The French are much more formal away from the table than at it. Before the meal, guide your guests. Greet them with an offer of a drink (an aperitif, champagne, and wine are fine; booze isn't usually part of a French evening) and offer around an hors d'oeuvre. If making small talk, start with the impersonal, like mentioning a film you've seen, or a book you've read. Resist the urge to ask what your French guests do for a living, how they know each other, or why they're here in the States.
The French take food and dining beautifully seriously ("serious" doesn't mean "stiff" or "formal"). They don't eat standing up, in cars, or, usually, on sofas. If you can't set up a temporary dining table, at least use cloth napkins, real silverware, and good glasses. A typical, meal might be soup, followed by the main course (meat with a veg), followed by salad, followed by cheese, followed by dessert, followed by coffee. Courses are distinct and separate. Complicated? Non. Just try to do the following:
-Buy really good wine (several bottles of two different choices- Google or pick up a wine mag for recommendations), and really good, crusty bread
-Buy seasonal (most French food is far simpler than our versions with heavy creams and sauces might make you think) and fresh
-Serve the after-dessert coffee black (milk is for breakfast)
Most importantly, enjoy. The French are reknowned for their dinner parties as much because of their desire and ability to enjoy them as for the food. Everyone will come prepared to have a good time. There's no better basis for a party than that.
QI thought this was a very interesting article and feel that our society could use a few more "social graces" to smooth our rough edges.
AWe're glad you liked it! Thanks for reading, and for writing.
QHi Social Graces,
I want to let you know how much I enjoy reading your Inquirer article and your blog. What a clever and informative article! I hope that it becomes a weekly feature. Have you thought about a TV sitcom? Wishing you much success!
AThanks for the kind words! When HBO comes calling, we'll be sure to let you know.
(Of course, if you know anyone at HBO...)
(Of course, if you know anyone at HBO...)
QI have just purchased a beach home and would like to share it with friends and relatives, but how do I make it clear to my guests, without being rude, that they are invited for a specific number of days and are expected to leave at the end of that time?
AAs some point before the guests arrive (preferably a few days before), contact them and say: "I just wanted to confirm all our dates and times. I would be so embarrassed if I got it wrong. You're arriving Monday afternoon, right? And leaving Wednesday morning? I wanted to be doubly sure, because I have committments Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and would hate to feel I was rushing you out before you'd planned to go."
The night before your guests are scheduled to depart, say, "I know you're planning on leaving at [whatever time], so I've planned breakfast at [choose a time]. How do pancakes sound?"
A Grace would never endorse the practice, but we've seen more than one vacation home adorned with a placard bearing Ben Franklin's famous adage:"After three days, both fish and guests stink."
The night before your guests are scheduled to depart, say, "I know you're planning on leaving at [whatever time], so I've planned breakfast at [choose a time]. How do pancakes sound?"
A Grace would never endorse the practice, but we've seen more than one vacation home adorned with a placard bearing Ben Franklin's famous adage:"After three days, both fish and guests stink."
QDear Social Graces,
I loved the article and I love the blog! This would be great as a regular advice column in the Inquirer .. we can all use a little help with etiquette from time to time. It's great to know that you are there for us! My question is ...
I am invited to a bridal shower and to a wedding. The couple is registered at Macy's for their gifts. I have a great idea of what I think they would love .. it is not part of their bridal registry, yet it is something very personalized and unique. Should I stick with the bridal registry or try a gift idea that I have?
ADear Wedding Guest:
Like many etiquette scenarios, the answer is "that depends." If you know the couple very well and are absulutely certain that they will love your selection, then go with your creative idea.....but keep the receipt and make sure it's returnable anyway. If it is a more distant relationship, then the Graces advise "Safety First," and recommend something off the registry. You can't go wrong getting someone a gift that you know they want.
Thanks for writing!
The Social Grace
Like many etiquette scenarios, the answer is "that depends." If you know the couple very well and are absulutely certain that they will love your selection, then go with your creative idea.....but keep the receipt and make sure it's returnable anyway. If it is a more distant relationship, then the Graces advise "Safety First," and recommend something off the registry. You can't go wrong getting someone a gift that you know they want.
Thanks for writing!
The Social Grace
Q"I always bring a babysitter to help out with my children."
Sheesh. That question should be immediately circular-filed. That you respond without a little snicker, some observation about the me-firsts, disappoints me, and seems to scream for a third consultant, one closer to my age, though the two of you are certainly members of my generation. Oh boy, ever since parenting became a job with rules ...
AThanks for writing. We always appreciate comments from our readers. Hope to hear from you again sometime.
The Social Graces
The Social Graces
QHi, Graces.
I'm a local grad student with a semi-regular gig as a babysitter. Here's my question. My employer called me Monday night to cancel Tuesday. I think she should pay me for at least part of the day. I was prepared to work, as usual. What do you think?
AYou're absolutely right. In fact, she should pay you for the full amount of time you would have been working. You have to give doctors and hair stylists at least 24 hours notice, or you have to pay for the appointment. Babysitters deserve the same courtesy, especially if there's any sort of regularity. I have a deal with my babysitter: If I don't give her two weeks cancellation notice for her regular day hours with us, or three days notice for a nighttime gig, I pay her. She's made the committment; so do I.
This is your forum for posing questions to our staff and certain professionals. As with all information on our sites, questions and answers are published for information and discussion purposes only. Such information is not a substitute for professional advice from an adviser familiar with your particular situation. We do not guarantee the accuracy, reliability or completeness of any information provided in our forum.
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