This is your forum for posing questions to our staff and certain professionals. As with all information on our sites, questions and answers are published for information and discussion purposes only. Such information is not a substitute for professional advice from an adviser familiar with your particular situation. We do not guarantee the accuracy, reliability or completeness of any information provided in our forum.
Keri White (top),
Melissa Jensen
Melissa Jensen
Ask The Social Graces
Grace K. and Grace M. Who are we? Two urban chicks, old enough to know, young enough to enjoy. Consultants, writers, wives, moms. Scourges of all things rude, crude and distasteful. We have opinions on nearly everything. We gladly share them. After all, as Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself."
Read The Social Graces blog.
QHi ! One of you mentioned a great tee in your travel blog "Petit Bateau tees always look chic". I have eagerly searched the Nordstrom.com, Bloomingdales.com etc looking for these tees. I only see them for children up to young teens. Can you enlighten me on where to find them?
Best Regards,
Georgeanne
AGeorgeanne-
Try Tee-Zone. Another great option is the J. Crew perfect fit tee. They don't wear quite as well as the Petit Bateau (they do best if you treat stains immediately- hence the everpresent Tide pen in the Graces' handbags), but are still pretty great for the price, come in short- and long-sleeve versions, and there's a decent choice of colors.
Happy shopping!
Try Tee-Zone. Another great option is the J. Crew perfect fit tee. They don't wear quite as well as the Petit Bateau (they do best if you treat stains immediately- hence the everpresent Tide pen in the Graces' handbags), but are still pretty great for the price, come in short- and long-sleeve versions, and there's a decent choice of colors.
Happy shopping!
QNow let me know if I've over-reacted. I take good care of my lawn, and this miserable hag from down the block lets her dog use it for a toilet. But while I could never catch her in the act, I knew it was her. Until last week. I was looking out the window and saw them coming. Boom. Dog craps on the lawn and they walk away. I wait for her to get settled in at home and I put the doggie diamonds into a plastic shooping bag and head down the block. I knocked on the door, she opened it and I said, "You forgot something." And put it right in her hand. And then I turned and walked away. What do you gals think?
ACertainly dramatic, probably effective. Perhaps not entirely Gracious, but y'know what...even a Grace or Grant can be pushed too far. In general, we advocate asking nicely before acting strongly, but we agree that people who wantonly allow their dogs to "do" without cleaning up after them, regardless of whether it is a curb, lawn, or abandoned lot, deserve a strong response. The dog-owning Grace of our duo has plastic baggies in every pocket and handbag. Sometimes it's a nuisance, but scooping is a necessity.
For other pet peeves, check the blog.
For other pet peeves, check the blog.
Q I am throwing my sister a wedding shower. Her friends are throwing the bachelorette party that same night. In a group email, one of her friends stated that she was going to bring a cooler to the shower and take the leftovers to the bachelorette party. I was a little stunned. I am footing the bill for the shower and no one asked me if this was OK. There will be several guests staying overnight (and not going to the bachelorette) and I had hoped the leftovers would be for snacking. Let me add that her friends all have jobs that pay well more than mine. And that the shower expense is much more than what they are paying each for the bachelorette. How do I reply? Can I say "Dear Cheap Greedy Bastards, Buy Your Own Food. Love, me"
AOh, ick. Bad behavior, bad.
Email the cheap, greedy cooler-toter and very nicely say, "I completely agree with you that the food I'm providing shouldn't go to waste. With that in mind, I'd already planned to use the leftovers for the wedding guests who will be staying overnight with me. I hope this doesn't inconvenience you too much. I'm sure you can find a yummy alternative for the bach bash." Make sure she responds, so she can't claim that she never received the email. If she doesn't respond, politely send a copy to another attendee, preferably a Grace, saying, "I'm a little worried that C.G. didn't get this email. I would feel awful if she showed up expecting to take food with her only to find out that I've made plans for the leftovers."
I would hazard a guess that the reason she mentioned the food in a group email rather than a private one is that she knows it's not a Gracious thing to do, and is looking for a sort of bad-manners-safety-in-numbers.
If she shows up with the cooler anyway, you can graciously hand over the goodies, or you can just as graciously stand your ground, saying, "I'm so sorry. I really did make the plans for this food that I mentioned to you. I know you've arranged for terrific stuff for your party, so you won't miss this."
Email the cheap, greedy cooler-toter and very nicely say, "I completely agree with you that the food I'm providing shouldn't go to waste. With that in mind, I'd already planned to use the leftovers for the wedding guests who will be staying overnight with me. I hope this doesn't inconvenience you too much. I'm sure you can find a yummy alternative for the bach bash." Make sure she responds, so she can't claim that she never received the email. If she doesn't respond, politely send a copy to another attendee, preferably a Grace, saying, "I'm a little worried that C.G. didn't get this email. I would feel awful if she showed up expecting to take food with her only to find out that I've made plans for the leftovers."
I would hazard a guess that the reason she mentioned the food in a group email rather than a private one is that she knows it's not a Gracious thing to do, and is looking for a sort of bad-manners-safety-in-numbers.
If she shows up with the cooler anyway, you can graciously hand over the goodies, or you can just as graciously stand your ground, saying, "I'm so sorry. I really did make the plans for this food that I mentioned to you. I know you've arranged for terrific stuff for your party, so you won't miss this."
QMy husband and I have been invited to a wedding of one of his work colleagues. The problem lies in that also invited is a woman friend of his who publicly embarrassed me in the Spring. I've been struggling with him since because he continues to remain friends with this woman even though she has not apologized to me. Because of this, he wants me to bow out of attending this wedding to avoid another chance confrontation. He's telling me that his co-workers decided on 'no-spouses' attending the wedding and he's promised another person he would attend. I'm not a person who would normally bring attention to myself or consider ruining a person's wedding day yet I feel I'm stuck. I know I would defend myself if words happened. But because this woman does not feel compelled to apologize (he says he's trying to get her to do so but no luck) and he doesn't want any opportunity for a confrontation in front of his co-workers, he feels I should be adult about this and not attend, let him attend alone. I always feel I am the one who has to compromise. What do you think?
A
Dear Reader,
If there is even the slightest chance of a scene at the wedding, you should not attend. The Graces abhor public scenes of any sort (our policy is to chew the tongue off first), but at weddings they are particularly egregious. This would be a horrible thing to do to the bride. Even if you are 100% correct in the fact that your husband's colleague "done you wrong", the bride has nothing to do with this. and she should not be collateral damage in your dispute.
Whether or not your husband attends stag is another matter, and one that the two of you need to address. We have a bit of concern about his desire to attend an event without you when you appear to have good reason to avoid it, and it sounds like you have some (justified?) resentment around it. We suggest a good long talk a deux in a calm setting. Tell you husband how you feel. Try not to lose your cool. Don't be afraid to seek help from a professional if the situation gets beyond you.
Good Luck!
The Social Graces
QI have to start at beginning. My son is to be married next year. We had orginally wanted to pay for half. when the wedding came up,, the mother of the bride told my son " your parents can pay for their side, we can pay for ours" I was totally taken aback by that, so in turn, we are only giving them 10K, as we did for our other son. MY question is,,if we give that amount, is it still our responsibility, as tradition calls for, to pay for the rehearsal dinner, and the bar, or should that bit come out of the money we are offering? This has started off on a very bad foot,, we felt taken advantage of being told what to pay for. I want to do the right thing,, I need your thoughts on this situation.
AIt's tough being a Grace surrounded by Grunts. Debating, or trying to exlain the proper etiquette here will probably only succeed in damaging what appears to be an already difficult relationship (and most likely deposit some undesired sturm and drang on the head of your son.) If at all possible, considering the large amount of money you're having to part with, take the high road and do what you can to make your son's wedding as wonderful as he deserves. Go ahead and give the the amount you mentioned, and host the rehearsal dinner, as is correct and customary for the groom's family. If your contribution toward the wedding dips into your rehearsal dinner budget and the affair has to be scaled back, so be it. And if the bride's parents offer to ante up for their half of the rehearsal dinner, then feel free to cash their check.
QDear Social Graces,
I have a question of how to deal with trespassing. I live in a cottage set upon rocks above a public beach. Many of the beachgoers climb up onto the rocks and often end up on my back porch. I own to the low tide mark, so they are on my property the minute they step off the beach. My concern is threefold: 1) I really don't want gawkers peering into my house; 2) They could easily fall and get hurt; and 3) They could sue me if an injury occurs on my property. How do I deal with this?
A
Dear Rocky,
First, post signs--"no trespassing" or "private property". This (according to a friend of ours in the D.A.'s office) gives law enforcement, beach patrol, lifeguards, or any other municipal employees the ability to prevent and remove trespassers. Second, make friends with said authorities--a generous tip, a batch of brownies every so often, a Friday afternoon pizza delivery or after-work case of beer goes a long way toward making the potential enforcers your allies in addressing this problem. Whatever you do, beware of adopting the persona of the nasty person in the beach front house. Aside from risking your Grace status, you leave yourself open to potential abuse/vandalism from disgruntled rock climbers.
Good luck!
The Social Graces
QHi Graces,
I recently moved from a city where I lived for 15 years, and where I still have lots of friends and family. I return for visits every few months. Each time, I am inundated with invitations, which I am very grateful for, but can't possibly accept them all due to time constraints. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? I don't want to appear to rebuff these generous offers, but I can only eat 3 meals a day and sleep at night in one place!
A
Dear Overbooked,
How lovely for you that so many of your friends and family seek out your company--you must be a Grace among Graces.
In order to maximize your exposure, so to speak, we recommend a large gathering or two. Ask a friend to host a get together for your former posse. If you don't want to burden a friend, ask to "borrow" his/her home for a few hours. Host the party yourself in a borrowed pad--keep it simple; order take out, fill the fridge with wine/beer/soda, and enjoy yourself. Alternatively, arrange to meet at one of your former haunts--a cafe, bar, or restaurant that you loved when you lived in there and would love to visit again. Treat if possible.
Enjoy your visit and enjoy your friends!
The Social Graces
Qhi graces - I'm taking my girl to a romantic B&B for our anniversary. I know in a hotel you leave a tip for the cleaners. Is it the same at a B&B?
ALucky girl! Have a fab time.
If it's a private home, with few rooms and only the owners doing the work, you don't need to leave a tip. If it's more like a small hotel or inn, with multiple guests and/or some staff, yes, leave a tip. Leave at least five dollars per night, more if you're messy or high-maintenance, or if the staff performs other services for you.
If it's a private home, with few rooms and only the owners doing the work, you don't need to leave a tip. If it's more like a small hotel or inn, with multiple guests and/or some staff, yes, leave a tip. Leave at least five dollars per night, more if you're messy or high-maintenance, or if the staff performs other services for you.
QI'm a divorced mother of 3 ,44
and curently dating a 35 year old,
never married no kids. We get along really well and he gets along well w/my children. I know he
really wants a child but he's very into me and what we have together. I feel guilty, like I should push him away so that he can focus on his dreams of being a father. I left my ex due to his cheating so being able to trust is huge for me and I do trust this man. should I just let it ride and see what happens...I think I feel sort of pressured due to my age... I've been blessed with good genes but I don't know how long the blessing will last if you know what I mean.
I think he deserves the more than I can give him and I don't want to be selfish.
AThis is a tough situation, and we feel for you. To have children or not is one of the biggest choices a couple faces. So big that we hesitate to give any advice on the matter.
Here's what we suggest: Take the selfish/selfless stuff out of the equation for the moment. You need to ask tough questions and give honest answers. You need to ask yourself: Do I definitely NOT want more children, or am I ambivalent? Is there a strong chance that this is the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life? If you are uncertain about both, you can hold off doing anything until either answer becomes clear. If you decide you don't want more children, but want the guy, you have to be up front with him. It might be a deal-breaker for him, but he might also surprise you and just want you, babies or no babies. If he is resolute in his desire to create a child of his own (in addition/or as opposed to being a loving and involved step-parent), you need to respect that and either cut him loose or agree to try to get pregnant. Just keep two things in mind, things we're sure you already know: It is devastating for a child to feel unwanted by either parent, and people who have a baby just to bolster a relationship rarely stay together.
Best of luck!
Here's what we suggest: Take the selfish/selfless stuff out of the equation for the moment. You need to ask tough questions and give honest answers. You need to ask yourself: Do I definitely NOT want more children, or am I ambivalent? Is there a strong chance that this is the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life? If you are uncertain about both, you can hold off doing anything until either answer becomes clear. If you decide you don't want more children, but want the guy, you have to be up front with him. It might be a deal-breaker for him, but he might also surprise you and just want you, babies or no babies. If he is resolute in his desire to create a child of his own (in addition/or as opposed to being a loving and involved step-parent), you need to respect that and either cut him loose or agree to try to get pregnant. Just keep two things in mind, things we're sure you already know: It is devastating for a child to feel unwanted by either parent, and people who have a baby just to bolster a relationship rarely stay together.
Best of luck!
QDear Social Graces,
How do you handle latecomers to a dinner party? We had party last week, called for 7pm, planned to serve a selection of hot appetizers and cockails for the first hour or so, then proceed to table. One of the 8 guests called at 6:50 to say that they were stuck in traffic and wouldn't arrive til at least 7:45. How do you advise handling the cocktail hour in this case?
ADear Harried Hostess,
The Graces have quite a lot to say about lateness. Check out twosocialgraces.com for further discourse on this discourteous practice. But as to the matter at hand: We advise you to proceed as planned with the cocktails and canapes if you have several of your guests present and accounted for. If the tardies have to eat cold (or no) vol-au-vent, spanikopita or quesadillas, well, that's not your fault. You should, however, wait to sit down at the table for dinner until all guests have arrived.
One qualifier--if the latecomers are people who you need to ingratiate yourself with, (your boss, your sig-oth's parents) or if you are a SuperGrace, you may want to whisk a few nibbles onto a plate and keep them warm in the kitchen. This enables you to accommodate the guests who are where they should be with the appropriate refreshments, but does not leave your possibly future mother-in-law pining for the crab puffs that everyone is raving about because you were too thoughtless to save her any.
Happy Hosting and thanks for writing!
The Graces have quite a lot to say about lateness. Check out twosocialgraces.com for further discourse on this discourteous practice. But as to the matter at hand: We advise you to proceed as planned with the cocktails and canapes if you have several of your guests present and accounted for. If the tardies have to eat cold (or no) vol-au-vent, spanikopita or quesadillas, well, that's not your fault. You should, however, wait to sit down at the table for dinner until all guests have arrived.
One qualifier--if the latecomers are people who you need to ingratiate yourself with, (your boss, your sig-oth's parents) or if you are a SuperGrace, you may want to whisk a few nibbles onto a plate and keep them warm in the kitchen. This enables you to accommodate the guests who are where they should be with the appropriate refreshments, but does not leave your possibly future mother-in-law pining for the crab puffs that everyone is raving about because you were too thoughtless to save her any.
Happy Hosting and thanks for writing!
This is your forum for posing questions to our staff and certain professionals. As with all information on our sites, questions and answers are published for information and discussion purposes only. Such information is not a substitute for professional advice from an adviser familiar with your particular situation. We do not guarantee the accuracy, reliability or completeness of any information provided in our forum.
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