PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

A

Dear Angry,

Groans, Grimaces, Pursed Lips, and Disapproving Glares from The Graces aimed at your very inconsiderate would-be houseguest.   This is the height of rudeness and we shudder to think of it. 

Sadly, there is not much of anything for you to do now but damage control on your front--freeze the lasagne, try to sell the tickets to another family in line at the theatre box office (or donate them) and try to come up with a really fun distraction/reward for your own tots. 

Your friend doesn't seem like the type to feel much remorse, based on your report of her reaction to your frantic calls, but you are certainly free to confront her:  "Agatha, I understood that we had confirmed a visit from you and yours on Tuesday.  I was really looking forward to it and had rolled out theproverbial red carpet.  I was really disappointed that you didn't come (not to mention frantic with worry that something terrible had happened), and was very hurt/angry that you didn't think it warranted a phone call.  Maybe I misunderstood the entire situation."

See what she says.  You never know--she could be going through some personal Hell and simply lost track of things.  That does not excuse her inconsiderate conduct, but might make it a bit more understandable.  If you learn that she was distracted because she found a lump in her breast, was laid off, or had a serious problem within her family, you might be able to let this go more easily.

Thanks for writing and enjoy your time at the beach.  We certainly hope that future guests behave better--and that they love lasagne!

 

ACongratulations! The Graces adore weddings.

While we also heartily approve of theme parties (Grace K's February "Broken Resolutions" parties are legendary), we can't get excited over themed weddings. You can never go wrong with simple elegance: beautiful dress, good music (no Chicken Dance!), great food, the best champagne. Putting the groom in armor or the mother-of-the-bride in a toga, letting doves flutter above the diners, or giving the ushers cutlasses are all recipes for disaster. As for pears/pair...well, we've never met a pun we've particularly liked.

A

Dear Goddess:

Inappropriate work attire is certainly a sartorial scourge.  There are several ways to address the problem.  The most subtle (and therefore the most Gracious) is to exhuberantly compliment the exhibitionists when they do show up in appropriate necklines, and say nothing when there is too much on display.  If this doesn't work, you can speak to your Human Resourses department about having a "workplace wardrobe" seminar.  They can bring in an image consultant or personal shopper in to conduct a (mandatory?) lunchtime workshop about dressing professionally and outlining your corporate dress code--Personal Best Image Consultants provides this service for a nominal fee in the Greater Philadlphia area (mypbimage.com). 

You can also try the direct approach.  How you execute this will depend on your personality and your relationship with your younger colleagues.  Any of the following should work:   "Susan, you are a valued colleague and you bring a lot to our team.  You are also a beautiful young woman and that can attract some attention in our office and with our clients.  I want to support you as you rise through the ranks of our company and I wouldn't want any distractions to impede your progress--the low v-necks can sometimes make eyes wander and detract from your brilliant report on next year's sales projections"; "Susan, I think your top button has come undone.  Thankfully, telling you that is much less embarrassing than when Fred in Accounting neglected to zip his fly!";  "Susan, 'the Girls' are fabulous, but you need to cover 'em up while you are at work". 

Good luck and thanks for writing!

The Social Graces

A

Dear FF,

Absolutely not.  The likelihood that your two cents will change your roomie's decision is slim to none, and you will surely alter your friendship with her.  From the outside, this duo can look like an imminent train wreck, but we never know what goes on in other people's relationships.  It might turn out just fine. If it doesn't, you don't want her hesitating to turn to you, fearing "I told you so"  when and if things go sour.

If you truly can't stand to be in her beloved's presence, arrange lots of girly time--manicure dates, lunch at restaurants that specialize in quiche and salads, shopping, chick flicks.  Include them as a couple in larger group get-togethers such as parties or happy hours to dilute your exposure to him.

Thanks for writing!

 

A

Dear Grateful Son-In-Law,
First of all, compliments from the Graces on your awareness of your in-laws' generosity and your desire to acknowledge it.  You sound like a Grant.  We have several suggestions for you:

1.  A fabulous, framed picture of the family enjoying the beach house.  If your in-laws are in the picture, make sure they look great.
2.  A gift certificate to a favorite restaurant, spa, golf course, or theatre.
3.  Arrange for a cleaning service to scour the entire house after Labor Day weekend.
4.  A gift for the house that THEY will use--a tv for their master bedroom, a special shower head and monogrammed towels for the master bath, a case of their favorite wine, or some really nice linens for their bed.  Stay away from a new set of swings or the complete collection of Sesame Street DVDs.

Thanks for writing and enjoy the rest of your summer!
Tha Social Graces

A

Dear Buttoned Up,

Thanks for writing--we always love hearing feedback from our readers!  

Best,
The Social Graces

A

Dear M-O-B,

We feel your pain.  The Graces are not in favor of children at weddings, and wish that guests would take the inviation at face value:  Mr. and Mrs. Herman Worthington refers just to them.  However, if you fear that Mr. and Mrs. Herman Worthington will assume the invitation includes their quintuplets, you need to address before the 5 pint-sized Worthingtons march into your reception and gobble up all of the lobster kebobs.   Putting "Adults Only" on your lovely, elegant invitations is a no-no; it makes your wedding sound like an NC-17 film (or worse).  But never fear; the Graces have some suggestions for you to address this thorny problem:

1.  If you are worried that a select few invitees are the potential offenders, order a small number of notecards that match the invitations.  Handwrite a note offering to help arrange child care for them during the wedding and reception.  This would preferably, but not absolutely, be sent under separate cover.  Say something like, "Dear Henrietta,  We certainly hope that you and Herman will be joining us for the wedding celebrations.  If Tristan, Isolde, Romeo, Juliet, and Pygmalion  will be traveling with you, we will be happy to help arrange child care during the wedding.  Please give my mother, Susan, a call at 215 555 5555 and she'll help you sort out accommodations for the children." 

2.  If you suspect that this might be a wider epidemic spreading through your entire guest list, you need to take more pre-emptive measures.  Arrange a place for the children to stay with several babysitters, entertainment, and food during the wedding and reception.  This can be at the home of a relative or very close friend (to whom you will owe a big favor afterwards) or a room in the hotel where the wedding is to be held. We strongly advise against staging it in your home on the day of your daughter's wedding.   Enclose a pre-printed card similar to the ones containing hotel and travel information.  It should say:  "Child care services are available upon request.  Please contact Jane Doe at 215-555-5555 for details".  If this is going to become a logistical challenge that will require more than cursory attention from the very busy mother of the bride, designate a person (again, to whom you will owe a big favor afterward) to coordinate this element for you.

 

Good luck and thanks for writing!

The Social Graces

ASadly, you don't. Confronting people with their own obnoxiousness rarely works. At best, they feel angry or humiliated and withdraw (in this case, probably taking your friend); more often they strike back. Nor can you tell your friend how icky you find his Love. It always backfires. Since you didn't mention that as an option, we figure you've figured. We all have a close friend whose partner we could do without. We tolerate them because we love our friend. And because we have no way of knowing if they'll be around for a week or forever.

You really have two choices: Continue to include her in group activities, even knowing it might well diminish everyone else's pleasure, holding your tongue when she mouths off; or find ways to edge her out of the group picture. Arrange to see this friend at times or in activities she won't want to join. Either way, be polite. A good friend is always pleasant to partners, even the unpleasant ones. It pays off. Often, your unfailing niceness will help break through their insecurity, and they end up being nice back. Even if they don't, you'll keep from damaging your relationship with your buddy.

Perhaps it's not the ultimate Graceful behavior, but Grace M's m.o. for endlessly obnoxious loudmouths is to go pleasantly, blankly, and completely silent during their stories and for a beat after. Then normal conversation can be resumed. No confrontation, no comments. She obviously needs to say her solo piece. Let her. Then get back to the group.

ADear Caring In Philly,

The Graces do lament the business casual trend, which has often resulted in employees showing up for work in everything from gardening to gym to nightclub attire.  For more discourse on this and other fashion observations, check out Fashion Faux Pas on twosocialgraces.com.

In the meantime, here are several suggestions for your current dilemma:
 
--Invite the ill-clad colleague to go shopping.  “Jane, I just saw that there is a sale on suits at Barney’s.  I’m stopping by on my lunch hour.  Any interest in joining me?”    (If this isn’t realistic, suggest that a mutual friend make the attempt.)
--Give her relentless compliments when she hits the mark.  “Jane, what a great outfit.  Looking like that, the deal is yours!”
--Have your company conduct a workshop on “appropriate work attire.”   In the Philadelphia area, Personal Best Image Consultants provides corporate seminars for a nominal fee, and offers comprehensive, private services as well.
 
Thanks for writing!

AYou've done all the things a Grace would do: expressing an interest in getting together, proffering invitations, trying to accomodate her schedule.

We hate to suggest this, but, to paraphrase a seminal theme from our beloved Sex and the City, maybe "she's just not that into you". It's possible that she likes you, enough to occasionally mention getting together and certainly enough that she hasn't said or done anything overt to hurt your feelings, but not enough to actually maintain a friendship.

You can say, one more time, sincerely, "I'd love to get together. If you ever have the time and inclination, give me a call. I'd be delighted to hear from you." After that, it's up to her. If she calls, wonderful. If not, let it go. Be pleasant when you meet, but don't suggest any further get-togethers. Someone who doesn't accept overtures of friendship is never worth pursuing.