PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

AThe Graces feel your pain.  Check out "Hostess Gifts Are Not Pot Luck" on twosocialgraces.com for further discussion on this well-intended but ultimately misguided practice.  Grace K still cringes at the recollection of a sculpted green jello  mold replete with miniature marshmallows and canned fruit cocktail bestowed upon her at a cocktail party she threw several years ago.

There really isn't a gracious way to ask whether or not the guest plans to bring something, but here are some suggestions on how we would handle your current dilemma...

When discussing the upcoming gathering with a guest or when issuing the invite, pass on a personalized version of the following:  "Alice, I am making a last-ditch effort to honor my new year's resolution to become more organized.  I have made a list planning out our Thanksgiving dinner menu.  You are such a wonderful cook; I was hoping I could cajole you into bringing your caramelized brussels sprouts.  They are the only vegetable my children will eat and they never hesitate to inform me that mine are not as good as Aunt Alice's!"

A similar version of this for the less culinarily inclined relatives goes like this:   "Aunt Ruth, you are always so generous when you come, I hope you don't mind me making a special request.  At your Passover Seder, you had such a lovely centerpiece on your table.  I wonder if you would consider bringing one for Rosh Hashanah Dinner.  It would lighten my load--you know the decor is not my strong point."  (If a centerpiece seems to big a request substitute candles, cocktail napkins, or other incidentals).

If you want them to avoid bringing anything , go with:  "Uncle Fred, we are so delighted that you and Aunt Wilma are coming for Christmas Dinner.  Mike and I have planned out a really special menu that we are so excited about--we can't wait for you to try some of our new creations.   Please don't worry about bringing anything--we are totally set with the spread and your presence is more than enough of a contribution to the festivities!"

These are not fail-safe but they're worth a try.  The key is to embed the request in a compliment (and a little self -effacement never hurts).

Kudos from The Graces for hosting!    Keep up the good work; even if you do end up tossing 11 Peach Melbas the following morning, we're sure your husband and his family appreciate your hospitality.  We hope you reduce the dessert inventory this year, and of course, we wish you Happy Holidays.

AFirst of all, you need to decide whether you ultimately need the situation to be fair or finished. Either one is reasonable. If you need fair, you might have to accept that your friendly neighbor status is over, at least for the time being. You can wait coolly for her to apologize for her nasty behavior and treat your son well. You might be waiting for a long time. Not everyone can admit when they're wrong, and someone who rants about and cold-shoulders a child is probably not one of those who can. You might well be in the right here, but being right might not ultimately make the situation better.

If you want finished, you can swallow your pride and put away the hurt feelings, send her flowers or something similar with a note saying: "I feel so badly that this issue has come between us. I hope we can get past it and move forward as friends and good neighbors." Even if the words stick like peanut butter in your throat (hence part of the appeal of writing a note). It's then up to her to become a Grace and accept a truce, or maintain a snit.

Whatever you choose, be pleasant when you meet, no matter how much you feel like like snarling. That's the moral high ground. And the moral high ground is easier on the Choos.

Good luck!

AYou probably won't be able to stop him from ever talking this way, but you can control how much of it you have to  hear.

You can try the wry, kinda-joking comment: "Charming words, Tom. Your mother/the nuns/Oprah would be so proud!"

You can try the up-front, honest approach: "Those sorts of comments/jokes make me uncomfortable. I would really appreciate if if you didn't make them while we're together."

If he persists: "I find that comment offensive and won't be around to hear more." Leave. Arrange to be elsewhere when he's around, or only see him when the wife is there and he's on better behavior.

Resist the urge to call him a low-browed, misogynistic clod. That's just name-calling, pretty offensive in its own right. Comment on the deed, not the doer. Resist the urge to tattle to the wife. She's not responsible for his behavior, either. However, if she brings your absence up, you can say, "Tom and I have strong opinions and very different views/senses of humor. I've learned that it's best for me to just avoid those situations. They turn me into a raving madwoman and I refuse to impose my Tasmanian-Devil impersonation on people I like. Why don't you and I meet for lunch instead?"

AThanks for writing--we hope so, too!

A

How nice for you--we love it when hosts are inclusive with invitations!  You are already headed in the right direction with your intention to bring something, and The Graces have strong opinions on hostess gifts.  For a thorough discussion, check out "Hostess Gifts Are Not Pot Luck" on twosocialgraces.com.  But in the meantime.....

When you call to rsvp, ask your hosts what you can bring.  They will probably say, "nothing," but in the event that they make a request, your dilemma is over.  Failing that, we have several suggestions for you.  Rosh Hashanah is the celebration of the Jewish New Year, and it is traditional to dip apples in honey to symbolize sweetness in the coming year.  You can assemble a lovely basket of apples from the Farmers' Market (Honey Crisps are divine right now), tuck a nice jar of honey in amid the fruit, tie a big bow around the basket, and voila--the perfect Rosh Hashanah gift!  Or try Grace K's traditional offering if she is fortunate enough to receive an invitation to  a RH party:  a bottle of bubbly to toast the new year.  The Graces are partial to Veuve Cliquot, but there are several more economical and (almost) equally good labels to choose from.  We also recommend Charles de Fere and Prosecco as great sparklers.

If you prefer to avoid the holiday theme altogether, bring a box of chocolates, a bag of gourmet coffee or tea, some high quality olive oil and balsamic vinegar, or a few jars of jam.  Wine and spirits are also a perfectly acceptable hostess gift.  If you want something inedible, choose a few bars of  hand-milled soap, decorative paper cocktail napkins or handtowels, or scented candles.

Have a great time!

AWe're not certain exactly what you want to know, but a) we're delighted that you wrote, and b) we rarely meet a question we won't try to answer. So here are a few points of etiquette, streetwise.

-Gentlemen walk on the outside (closer to the traffic). This was originally intended to protect the ladies from whatever icky stuff might be tossed up by carriage wheels. Now it's just polite.
-Never walk more than two abreast. Three people walking together block the sidewalk and make it hard for others to pass.
-Walk to one side or the other, especially if you are strolling slowly. No one wants to have to maneuver around someone who is ambling smack in the middle of the sidewalk.
-On the same thread, if you must stop to chat or window shop, pull over.
-If you must walk and talk on your cell phone (and we have plenty to say on that subject), pay attention to where you're walking. There is no excuse for jostling other pedestrians just because you've become distracted by your bff's report on Lindsay Lohan's latest tumble. Also, we fear for your own safety should you wander distractedly into traffic. Which leads into...
-Yes, Graces jaywalk. But we're careful only to do it when it doesn't mean approaching cars must screech to shuddering halts to keep from flattening us. One of our great peeves is the entitled street-crosser who feels no compunction about strolling leisurely across the road, against the light.
-On the flip (and sometimes unfair) side, if you are driving, stop for the person crossing the street. Always. Even if they're an entitled git, ambling across the road, against the light.
-Never, never, never toss trash onto the street. It's inexcuseable. Find a trash can.
-If you are entering a building just as someone is exiting, let them come out before you go in.
-If you find your way blocked by someone coming in the opposite direction, step to the right and around. Both of you. On a crowded sidewalk,  no one has the right-of-way.

We hope your answer is in there somewhere!

AWe love questions from well-meaning uncles. Especially ones who realize we might not always agree with our daughters about what's cool or appropriate.

Two options we love for similar relationships:

A charm bracelet. The first occasion, buy the bracelet and one charm (there are fab options online, most big department stores sell charms, or you can go upscale for the bracelet and first charm and do Tiffany. For any or all gift occasions after that, you can give a charm that either says something about her life or just catches your fancy. Consider sterling rather than gold. It's appropriate for all ages and is inexpensive enough that it can be replaced if she loses it, even if the memories can't.

A book/toy combo. This is great for boys, too. Amazon.com or a good bookstore clerk can tell you what's hot and intelligent for your niece's age group (you should have an idea whether she's on the more- or less- mature-for-her-age end of the spectrum-  ask her mother if you need to). Mom will love the book. We hope your niece will, too, but kids will never complain if you add a toy that's somehow connected. Like the fabulous "Journey of Edward Tulane" with a stuffed bunny. The wonderful yet overlooked "Ozma of Oz" with a bling-y crown/tiara.

Or put the two together: a book with a charm. Last Christmas, Grace M gave her niece a copy of "Charlotte's Web" with a pig charm. This year might be a fairy to go with "Spiderwick" or a little key to go with "A Secret Garden"...

A

The Graces love book clubs! 

The best way to find an existing group to join is to keep your antenna up.  When someone mentions his/her book club, ask about it--what they read, how often they meet, the location, size of the group, etc.  If their setup is compatible with your literary habits and lifestyle, ask if they are accepting new members and let them know that you would like to be considered.  Failing that, you can check out your local bookstore.  The independents (and we are steadfast supporters of our independent neighborhood book shop) often have book group affiliates.  Finally, you could start your own.  That's what Grace M did--and the group is entering its third delightful year.

Check out twosocialgraces.com for what we're reading this month!

Happy Reading.

A

Always offer to reimburse for the tickets.  Most likely the offer will be declined--but it is correct to make the gesture.  Be sure to pony up for parking, refreshments, and any other incidental expenses that you and your fellow fan incur during the course of the game.  This is both fair, since your friend bought the tickets, and Gracious (or Grantly, as in Cary, if you prefer the male form).

Thanks for writing. 

Go Phillies!

 

AMany people neglect to add gratuities to similar gift certificates-  an easy matter to overlook (15-20% is standard for massage, facials, etc.). You did the ultimate in graceful giving, and took care of everything. The ideal gift certificate is one that allows the recipient to leave her wallet at home. You did that. Well done!