PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

AThanks for writing, and thanks for the compliment!   We love hearing from readers.

AThanks for the compliments!

You know, the term Grace in Training never occurred to us.  Were you making a play on the fact that the English use the word "git" as we do "jerk" ("Rude git!")?  GIT, absolutely, but we're sure you're no git!

AThanks for writing.  Sounds like you are well on your way to being a Grace/Grant!

AAh, other people's relationships...

We want to be completely supportive during a friend's break-up (which often includes supplying said friend with vats of Ben & Jerry's and an ear for rants against the evil ex), and we want to be as accepting and inclusive of our friends' partners as we possible can be. This can be complicated when a couple breaks up, then reconciles.

We suggest going on as if you never made the comments. If she brings it up, try, "Yes, I was harsh, but he hurt you and I wasn't feeling terribly kindly disposed toward him at that moment. As long as you're happy with him, I'm happy for you, and he's good in my book."

If he's really a cad, add, "You know I'm here for you no matter what." That way, if it all goes south again, she should know she can come to you without fear of getting an "I told you so."

A helpful hint for all of us when friends rant about evil exes or current cads: Listen, nod, hug, provide the ice cream, even agree, "That was a rotten thing for him to do!", but try to refrain from calling the cad a cad or other names, or indulging in rants of your own. Reconciliations happen.

AWow!  That's a miscue on the "send" button if we've ever heard one.  You were absolutely correct to keep mum on this salacious material.  If the wife were a very close friend or sister, we would recommend telling her in a
private, supportive way. We wouldn't recommend doing the same with a casual acquaintance.  You never know who might be the type to kill the messenger, and you never know the intricacies of other people's marriages.  Check out "To Tell or Not To Tell" on twosocialgraces.com for more discussion on this dilemma.

As far as the cyber-seducer, you had two perfectly acceptable options, one
of which you wisely chose: 

1.  Let It Be. (Apologies to The Beatles for invoking their ballad thus.)
2.  Send it back with a simple straightforward message:  "Fred, this came to
me, obviously in error.  Rest assured that it will go no further, but I
wanted to let you know that it went awry."

Keep up the good work, Grace.

AThe simplest way is to excuse yourself at some point to use the bathroom. If your waiter is visible, tell him then. If not, you can give the message to the maitre d' or hostess. An alternative is to quietly speak to the hostess as she seats you. You can also slip your credit card to any of the above before the bill arrives.

ADear Single in Philly,
Bad form, and we must say, most graceless.  Wedding invitations should always be issued with a guest if the recipient is legal.  However, it would be worse form for you to bring an uninvited guest, so you are left with two options:   go stag or stay home. 

To prevent this from recurring, we recommend sending  notes to your relatives advising them of your change of address (even though you may have moved 10 years ago, they obviously didn't enter your new locale in their books.).  Don't send this note back with the reply card--it will be overlooked in the all-consuming task of planning the wedding and keeping an accurate head count.   The notes can be brief and simple:  "Dear Aunt Gladys, I wanted to make sure you had my current address.  You can find me at 124 Blackbird Lane, Town, State, ZIP.    I'm so sorry to have missed Greg's wedding; I heard it was a beautiful celebration.  Hope to see you and your family soon.  Best, Grace".  You can pepper appropriate versions of these among the relatives of marriage age (and their hosting parents) to prevent your being treated like a minor under your parent's roof.  It's not fail-safe, but it's worth a shot.

And, yes, do send a gift.  It is the gracious thing to do.

AAbsolutely, you can wear strappy sandals as long as they are a) not white, and b) have a medium-to-high heel.

AYour poor friend.  The Graces don't own a crystal ball, but we can foretell difficult times ahead for her.   Since this is such a long standing friendship, we hope you will stick by her.  You should, however, brace yourself for a hiatus or dissolution of the friendship;  if forced to choose, she will have to choose her spouse.   Very sad, but it happens all too often.

On to the here and now...there are really two aspects to the situation, your friend and her (adjective deleted to keep our PG rating) husband.

We'll start with your friend.  She is obviously threatened if she is making remarks about other women who seem to be appropriately dressed for the climate and setting.   When she comments thus, you might say, "You seem really bothered by that woman.  Is anything wrong?".  This is open-ended and gives her the opportunity to pour out her heart, soul, insecurities, fears, pain and suffering to you, or to say, "No, I just haven't had my coffee yet" .  Do try to nurture the relationship--you know the old saying about "a friend in need.".  Make lots of girly dates--lunch at a creperie, manicure appointments, yoga class, power walks, shoe shopping.  If you must see them as a couple, try to do so either in larger groups like happy hours or  parties, or at outings to the movies or theater which involve limited interaction and take place in the dark--the large group dilutes your exposure to him and the dark room reduces his gawking opportunities.

On to the husband:  When confronted with his wandering eye, meet his gaze and follow it down your physique.  When he completes the perusal, meet his gaze again and look quizzically at him.  This should convey your confusion  at his ogling.  If this approach is too subtle (and given your description of him, we fear that it is), ask directly and innocently:  "Is my fly open?"  ("Did I forget a button/spill something on my top/miss a belt loop").   If he responds, "No, why?"  say, "Oh, I thought you were staring--must have been my imagination."    Make sure you stage this little skit out of the earshot and visual range of your friend--remember it is aimed at him, not her, and witnessing this exchange would make her already significant discomfort even greater.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

AWhat would you do? That's usually a very good place to start.

Since we only know what you've shared with us, we'll give our two cents on the matter.

We try not to interfere with our partners' choice of friends. After all, we wouldn't want someone trying to choose ours, and some of our friendships pre-date our marriages. That stops applying when a friendship begins to cause real problems in our relationship. You don't really know what this woman's goals are, but you do know that her constant calling is making you unhappy. You need to tell your husband this. If possible, you need to tell him exactly why. Something like, "I love you. I trust you. But it makes me feel anxious (or angry) that this woman needs to have so much of your time. I'm concerned that she wants more than friendship and believes you feel the same way."

Maybe he's flattered by the attention. Maybe he genuinely doesn't see the behavior as inappropriate (you can try asking him how he would feel if another man pursued you like this-- if he claims he wouldn't care, you might want to take this up with a counselor). Trust us, it's inappropriate; a Grace would never pursue a male friend this way. A Grace makes friends with the wife, and if she can't, sadly but correctly relegates the friendship to casual/holiday card/very occasional chat or email. Maybe your husband wants the contact as much as she does. Maybe he doesn't, but simply doesn't know how to ask her to stop calling, or doesn't want to hurt her feelings.

Whatever, it's his responsibility to either end (or greatly reduce) the contact, or decide just whose desires he wants to meet: yours or hers. We'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he'll end the friendship. Once you and he decide what needs to be done, for the sake of your marriage, he can contact her. He can call, write, or speak to her face-to-face, but the message needs to be clear: The relationship doesn't feel right any more, he wishes her well, but can't continue to be friends in the way that they were. He would be happy (or not) to receive a holiday card or monthly catch-up call, but he hopes she'll respect your (his and yours) wishes and not call more often than that.

A more passive, but usually effective method is for him to stop returning her calls. Period.

We discuss difficult friendships in our blog. We hope you and he can work this one out. Let us know.