PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

AThanks for the support! We love Philadelphia...and we love what we do!

AThe Graces' rule of thumb is, when you're invited to a wedding, send a gift whether you attend or not. They were willing to pony up for your chicken and champagne. You can spring for something, even if it's small. We also try to send the same gift, whether we're there or not. To be blunt and a tad crass, we know what someone is "worth" to us present-wise; we go by that rather than by attendance.

That said, if the idea or reality of a gift ever makes you feel resentful, don't give one. It's not worth it. On the flip side, if giving makes you happy, or excuses you from other obligations, go ahead and spend.

You are only obligated to give a bridal gift if you attend the shower. Otherwise, your regreats and a congratulatory note are absolutely adequate.

AWe actually go into this subject in some depth on the Blog (twosocialgraces.com). For the long answer, you can go to:

http://twosocialgraces.blogspot.com/2007/03/friendship-some-of-your-questions-some.html

In brief, you really have two options. One: Accept that they're probably never going to change. Only make plans with them when you genuinely won't be affected when they cancel or get...distracted. The problem with this option? You might end up feeling more resentful or anxious than relaxed. Two: Get firm. Make plans, but make it clear that you will go ahead, or even just leave, if they're not there on time. Stay firm. Go ahead, or just leave. The prob here? Chronically late and casual people tend not to see their behavior as in any way inappropriate. Your leaving without them, however... Well!

AThe Graces aren't as emphatic about pleats for men, but you might be surprised how flattering flat-front trousers can be. As for women, yes, pleats are a sartorial no-no. They just don't work for anyone, no matter how willowy, pillowy, or pleat-inclined.

We think "male" and "grace" go together perfectly. But if you prefer, be a Grant (as in Cary).

AInvitations to weddings should always include both partners in a couple, period. In fact, the only people who can be invited stag are those who are not in a relationship at all, and even they should be given the option to bring a "Plus One".

Unless your husband spends your couples' events spitting on, slandering, or flicking bits of food at the others, they should include him. Actually, even if he spits, they should include him, or not invite either of you. Their choice.

The Graces suggest you call your friend and gently say, "This is awkward and I'm sorry, but I'm just checking to see if there was a mistake with the wedding invitation. My husband wasn't included." She has several options. If it was, in fact, a mistake, it's easily rectified. If the exclusion was deliberate, she can either include your hubby now or stick to her guns. If it's the latter, sadly, you can't point out her gaffe. You can, however, choose not to attend. Send a gift either way. It's the Gracious thing to do.

ALots and lots.

We're not sure what sort of suggestions you're looking for, however, so we'll just give a few of our choices.

-Choose a quiet, relatively informal restaurant in a place that's easy to reach for both locals and out-of-towners. Rehearsal dinners can be done in your home, of course, but why not save yourself the effort? Weddings are stressful, even at their best. Let someone else do the cooking and clean-up.
-This is a good opportunity to be less traditional and choreographed. Consider a venue with an unusual, interesting, perhaps ethnic theme.
-Be inclusive. It used to just be family, but now it's customary to invite out-of-town guests and close friends.
-Consider the old tradition of "turning the tables". Have everyone switch seats after each course, or just for dessert, so they can sit next to someone they don't know well or often see.
-If you're actually having a rehearsal, make it early and as quick as possible. No one wants to be having dinner at 9pm the night before the wedding.
-Traditionally the groom's parents plan and pay. If this is different for you, make sure everyone is on the same page before reservations are made. It would be utterly graceless to foist a bill on an unprepared diner.
-If possible, send invitations within a week of the wedding invitations. Give as much information as possible: venue, address, dress code. Make sure you give people a way to r.s.v.p. that is separate from the wedding r.s.v.p.