PhillyTalk: Ask the Writers and Experts

AYay you for being such a good friend! Thirty is a milestone and should be celebrated with joy and abandon.

As a rule of thumb, asking anyone for cash for an event is a no-no, unless you're fundraising for a cause (and no matter how fab birthday bashes are, they don't count). Asking the honoree to kick in is extra taboo. If you're planning on hosting a party, stick with a party you can afford to host. Of course, if there's another friend or two who might like to co-host and split the bill, that's another matter. Just don't go trolling. If there are people you can quietly and discreetly approach (and who are likely to be enthusiastic), go for it. Otherwise, party frugally or go the gift route.

Jewelry is lovely, but it can be tricky. Especially the "nice" stuff. One woman's crown jewels are another woman's drawer-stuffer. Unless there's a piece she has rhapsodized over, or you're absolutely, positively, couldn't-possibly-be-wrong certain she's going to adore that sapphire-encrusted trout brooch or grey pearl choker, consider something else. No matter how emphatically and genuinely you insist it's returnable, she might be too afraid of hurting your feelings to do it.

If you want something substantial and adult but fun, you might want to consider one of these: an Elsa Peretti initial pendant from Tiffany if you're intent on jewelry, a scarf from Hermes (they come in multiple styles and endless designs), or a wallet from Kate Spade. All mahvelous and reasonably reasonable (and returnable) for a thirtysomething gal pal.

ADiscussing money can be awkward. Sometimes it's necessary. We talk at length about this in a post on questionable friends. In a nutshell, in circumstances like these, you have three choices:

-Let the money go. Forget the debt; forgive the debtor. Now, we tend to use $20 as the line between not a big deal/must be repaid, so we wouldn't choose this option for a $50 loan.
-Keep hounding (politely) until you see the green. Call. Say, "I feel so graceless bringing this up, but I could really use the $50 I loaned you. I'm sure you just forgot, but I would so appreciate a check. Thanks!"
-Go the legal route. Hire (or borrow) an attorney. Threaten. Note: Graces do not like this approach at all, unless the dollar amount is in the four-or-more digit range. Even then, we'll try everything else first.

At least for the time being, give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she really did send that first check. Maybe she really does intend to pay you back. Maybe she's just a little scatty or overwhelmed. Regardless, try not to rely on her for anything, and certainly don't lend her money again.

AWe absolutely frown on disregard for others--when there is a long line, an intentionally deliberate pace is most vexing.  We applaud your awareness that pointing out her prodigious posterior is a bad move.  We also assume that the person in question is not infirm, elderly, or encumbered by small children--any of these is a valid reason for a little latitude in the speed department.  That said, we recommend the following when trying to hasten others:

--Use body language:  look at your watch, tap your foot.
--Offer assistance, "Can I help with your packages?"
--Ask permission to expedite, "May I move your bags down so I can start checking out?"

Of course, aim for the express lane whenever possible.

Thanks for writing.

AWe have no control over our friends' behavior, but we do have control over who we choose to have as friends. Sometimes we are mistaken. And sometimes people change. The constant is that we can decide whether to maintain a problematic friendship.

It's a noble concept, acceptance. So accept that she is who she is. That you might not like her as much as you used to, or that she isn't as likeable. Accept that she probably isn't going to change. You don't have to be critical or judgmental. You can be accepting...as you head for the figurative door.

You're almost certainly right that she talks about you behind your back. That's the way it works. People rarely gossip about some friends and not others. But this is the secondary issue (you can check out Psst for our comments on gossip).  The big question here is whether you will continue to be friends with her.

Now we might ask you: Why on earth would you be friends with someone you seem frequently to dislike and can never trust? Life's too short.

But we know it can be more complicated than that. So try this: Ask yourself how you would feel if this person were no longer in your life, or still present, but in a very limited capacity. Most likely answers: a) devastated, b) sad but relieved,  c) relieved, d) euphoric.

If it's "a", you need to take a good, long look at the the friendship and decide what it is that you like. You can try to concentrate on that while limiting things you don't. Or you can ponder why you want to maintain a friendship with someone whose appeal has changed enough that you now believe you see "the real her", and don't like what you see. Chances are, your answer might change to "b", "c", or "d".

In that case, it might well be time to withdraw from the friendship. We cover this sad event in detail in our post on Friendship. But in a nutshell, your best option is to be firm, whether with honesty ("I'm sorry. I've enjoyed our friendship, but we're just too different in important ways now, and I can't do it any more.") or ego-preserving fibs ("I'm just so swamped now. I really need to give more time to myself/work/family. When things change, I'll let you know.").

AAh, weddings.  The joy, the celebration, the confusion, the sturm, the drang.  Nothing like differing regional customs to breed a misunderstanding.     There are absolutely areas of this country--particularly in rural districts--where being asked to help serve wedding cake is an honor generally reserved for favorite aunts and cousins.  You thought you were agreeing to shake hands, issue a few air kisses and direct guests to the coat check and the bar, but ultimately felt that you were asked to provide catering and busboy services.    They may have offered you this responsibility  to honor you and express esteem for your  friendship.   In the end, they  felt rebuffed.  To salvage the situation, you have the following options:

1.  When In Rome......Fall on your sword , pack your apron, call the friends and say, "We are so sorry to have misunderstood what you meant by 'host'.   Of course we will be happy to help support you on your son's special day, and will absolutely assist with cake, candles, and anything else you may need."  

If offering the staffing services is not an option for you...

2.  Eat Some Crow....Call them and say, "We are so sorry to have misunderstood your request.  You are dear friends and we feel terrible to have offended you, particularly at this special time for your family.    We really want to put this debacle behind us and celebrate  Bobby's wedding with you, and hope that you can forgive our mistake."

Based on their reaction to options 1 or 2, you may have to move on to....

3.  Don't Go There...."The most important things is for you and your family to have a wonderful celebration, and if you think our attendance will be at all awkward under the circumstances, we can plan a visit and special dinner honoring Bobby and Cindy later on when this blows over."   You are completely correct in your assessment that the focus should be on the bride and groom, not the sideline drama of your situation.  If there is the slightest hint that this will rear its ugly head during the wedding celebration, then we agree that backing out is by far the most Gracious option.

Yes, we know it isn't entirely fair that you are apologizing for this and taking the lion's share of the blame--if it makes it easier to swallow, remember that you will be taking the high road here--which puts far less wear and tear on the Manolos.  Also remember that weddings are stressful times for families, emotions and tempers run high, and you may have been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  

Regardless of the outcome, be sure to send the bride and groom a gift promptly.

AOh, ick.  Very bad form.  Where to start......

The Graces recommend several strategies:

1.  Whenever you call someone (not just the distracted mommies),  ask if it is a convenient moment for them to chat.  "Do you have a minute?"/"Is this a good time to talk?"/"Did I catch you at a bad time?".  This is courteous, respectful of the other party's time, as well as potentially self preserving--if they are elbow deep in diaper changing, they just might agree to call you back.  One wonders why they picked up the phone in the first place under the circumstances, but perhaps they were awaiting a call from the PA Lottery (or their favorite shoe store informing them that those fabulous red mary janes are available in their size, in which case, we kind of understand.....)

2.  When the dual-conversation begins, say politely (but firmly) "I've obviously caught you at a bad time. Why don't you call me back when you have a free moment."  or  "It sounds like Billy needs you.  Give me a call back when you can."

3.  If the problem persists, we suggest email.

Good luck, and thanks for writing!

AFirst of all, brava, Grace! It's gracious and kind and absolutely the right thing for you to respond to a request for help. Even if you're not in the wedding party. Our advice is for you to give the maid-of-honor the responsibility for talking to the bride-  asking if she has any preferences for venue, food, etc. The m-o-h (and/or bride) can then pass that info on to you, and the two of you can divvy up tasks. Be as involved as you want to be. You're here in town; it's easier (and we hope lots of fun) for you to find people, places, and things. Listen to what the bride has to say, confer when possible with the m-o-h, but your help has been offered and accepted, so get planning. Appropriate? Absolutely!

AThanks for the kind words! They are very much appreciated.

AGood thing it was a short flight....

For starters, ask nicely:  "Excuse me, Sir.  It seems that they are making these rows smaller by the minute.  Do you think you could move your seat up a bit?  I'll say 'when' as soon as you're at a point that allows me to open my book."  OR  "Sorry to bother you... this plane seems to have been made for rather petite passengers and your seat back is almost in my lap.  I really need to get at my computer--I'm working on a deadline--so if you could just move up a bit, I'll shout when you get to the point that my laptop will open.   Thanks so much."

Whenever possible, request the exit row or bulkhead for a bit more leg room.

Happy Flying!

ADear Sally,
When the children are introduced to you as Mrs. Jones, you can request that they call you Sally.  Let the parents know that this is your preference and ask them if it is ok.   You can say something like, "Please call me Sally--Mrs. Jones makes me feel old!"  or  "Please call me Sally--much as I love my mother-in-law, I keep looking for her when you say 'Mrs. Jones.'"  Generally, they ought to respect your request.    Unless they don't. 

You have to defer to parents on issues surrounding their children, and address of adults falls into this category..  Some are adamant that their children use adults' formal titles. I have one dear friend whose teenage son is forced to call me "Miss K"--makes me feel like Scarlett O'Hara--but that is their custom, and far be it from me (or any Grace) to interfere with a parent's rules within a family, even if we whole-heartedly disagree.