Christine M. Flowers: Feminists' biggest nightmare: Stepford Sarah

FEMINISTS were spitting-mad at Barack Obama the other day.

Gloria Allred held a news conference at which she excoriated the Democratic nominee for implying that Sarah Palin, a sitting governor, was a cosmetically enhanced pork chop.

Kim Gandy spoke for the National Organization for Women when she said, "All women should be outraged at this affront to an accomplished professional and loving mother."

Nancy Pelosi, fresh from giving theological lessons to Pope Benedict, issued a statement: "I am deeply disappointed that Sen. Obama has shown such disrespect towards the hottest guv from the coolest state."

You can wake up now.

What really happened is that all those high-profile women who usually attack any conservative who fails to worship at the Altar of the Ovary kept mum. Even worse, they said that Obama's "lipstick on a pig" comment was really directed at John McCain.

That's entirely possible. But it doesn't change a thing. Fact is, the audience that heard the comment took it as an insult. And, boy, were they thrilled.

When Hillary Clinton was given disrespectful coverage by the media, many Democratic woman not named Oprah screamed in indignation that the world was a horribly sexist place.

When some loudmouths at a rally told Bill's wife to "iron my shirts," the sisters applied war paint and made it seem as if the guys were two errant Taliban.

The girls do stick together. Except, of course, when they're faced with someone who doesn't worship the liberal liturgy.

Palin has been ridiculed in the blogosphere by the crazed psychopaths who've made it an art.

That's to be expected. But what's surprising is that women who've always preached sisterhood are so willing to turn their backs on such a successful disciple.

OK, it's not surprising. If you're not on the same page about abortion with the NARAL-istas and NOW, you might as well take that burka out of mothballs.

Pro-choice women seem to be genetically incapable of supporting any woman who doesn't share their views on that single topic. That person could agree with them on 99 percent of the issues, but if they are heretics to the reproductive cause, they're shunned.

Of course, the differences between Palin and the institutional feminists are significantly greater than 1 percent. But I have a feeling that even if she wasn't in favor of abstinence, didn't shoot moose, didn't oppose gay marriage and was quiet about her religious beliefs, that abortion thing would still keep her off the most-popular list.

Anna Quindlen, the sassy Pulitzer Prize winner who has hoodwinked some folks into thinking she's a good Catholic, had this to say about Palin: "Amid the drumbeat of female Amazonian competence occasioned by the Palin nomination ran one deeply discordant assumption, the assumption that women are strong and smart and sure and yet neither sentient nor moral enough to decide what to do if they are pregnant under difficult circumstances."

THERE IT IS: Unless you agree that women have the right to derail a pregnancy, you're a knuckle-dragging misogynist.

Even if you yourself have a uterus.

So it can't be sexist to attack you. Frankly, you deserve it, according to the high priestesses of reproductive choice.

And that just makes it easier for Obama to compare her, consciously or unconsciously, intentionally or not, to a piece of pork.

Instead of being offended about photoshopped pictures that show the governor in a skimpy bikini (with meaty thighs), the bra-burners are laughing about it.

Instead of respecting her degree in journalism, they ridicule the fact that she didn't go to an Ivy. (Of course, that means she didn't get kicked out of one either, like Teddy Kennedy.)

And instead of agreeing that she delivered a terrific speech at the Republican National Convention, they made sure to repeat, over and over, that it was written for her - by a man. (Unlike Joe Biden's famous speech that, rumor has it, was written for him by Neil Kinnock.)

Yup, Palin just can't win. She's got the plumbing for NOW membership, just not the lemminglike philosophy. And because of that, making fun of her isn't sexist. For feminists, and the men who want to date them, it's a sworn duty.

The Obamazons believe that Palin will be vice president only when pigs fly. Imagine their faces when they look up on Nov. 5 and see lipstick in the trees. *

Christine M. Flowers is a lawyer. See her on Channel 6's "Inside Story" Sunday at 11:30 a.m. E-mail cflowers1961@yahoo.com.