Not only are teen girls fighting, but now they want bragging rights, which include posting videos of their gruesome attacks on the Internet. At least three such vicious incidents hit the news this month. I was nauseous when I viewed them on YouTube.

* In Florida, eight teen girls could face life on kidnapping charges in the pummeling of Victoria Lindsay, whom they held hostage, slammed head-first into a wall and beat until she blacked out.

* In Erie, Pa., 10-year-old Rikki Triana has a broken hip after being assaulted in the playground.

* In Baltimore, a cell-phone recording of a student punching a teacher in the face was posted in cyberspace.

When did girls get so mean? And when did their parents start ignoring the warning signs that come when children begin to exhibit their lack of humanity? These questions are on my mind as I raise the last two of my four daughters, 11 and 14. With a 19-year spread between my oldest and youngest, I'm shocked at how today's violence has escalated with teen girls. Child experts say these new acts of "relational aggression" will not disappear without strong intervention.

Anyone raising daughters knows their capacity to be mean. Girls can be moody, catty, gossipy and just downright evil. Especially to each other. But the misery of bullies and victims doesn't just appear overnight.

There are obvious signs, and parents must be tuned in to them. There is always evidence of personality disorders early in their lives, sometimes while they are still in diapers.

Parents can usually spot mood changes and outside influences. We may not know exactly what's going on, but when there is unusual behavior, serious investigation eventually leads to the truth. Snooping into their lives is our right and our responsibility. Teaching them how to assert themselves with bullies, or how not to be one, are valuable lessons so they can cope with difficult people as adults.

My friend Pat Clifford reminds me that bullies are everywhere. In school, at work, in our everyday lives. The mother of two lovely grown daughters, Pat theorizes that our high-tech world has removed our humanity: "Today's parents are busy text messaging, instead of trying to mediate hostile situations by meeting face to face." Her theory: "We've become so desensitized to the human touch that many young people are ill-equipped to settle conflicts peacefully." I agree.

It's common knowledge that bullies suffer as much from low self-esteem as their victims. Experts say this behavior can be nipped before it gets out of control. We have the opportunity to socialize our children from a young age to have kindness and compassion for other people.

When children are unhappy or overly aggressive, they give us signals that we must recognize. When they run into social problems, we should offer them help. Counseling is one option. Sports and the arts are opportunities for children to learn how to express themselves productively. Girls who play sports learn healthy competition and leadership skills. The arts enforce skill development, discipline and compassion.

La Deva Davis, director of dance at the Philadelphia High School for Creative and Performing Arts, says she sees much more cooperation between the art students than between children not engaged creatively. "The girls lend each other costumes, makeup and take care of each other instead of always competing with each other, fighting or being mean."

Many parents blame media decadence for creating society's climate of violence. I agree, but it's still our parental responsibility to enforce censorship on computers and TV. We have the right to know what our children are being exposed to, and we have access to computer passwords and can turn off violent TV. If you flip through some of the toxic programming, it will make your head spin. Parents should monitor these influences as well as inappropriate friends.

It really doesn't matter if our children don't like these boundaries, because they need them - especially teenagers. They tell us what we need to know in many unspoken ways, but we must learn to listen more instead of always doing the talking. It's our job to help mold our children with a value system that teaches them wrong from right and how to know the difference. *

Fatimah Ali is a regular contributor. E-mail her at fameworksmedia@yahoo.com.