Posted on Sat, Nov. 7, 2009
I HATE to blow the whistle on
my fellow men, but I'm tired of seeing good women with guys who aren't up to snuff.
Granted, it's not my job to set standards for women, and I'm not going to do that here.
As the father of two daughters, however, I think it's my responsibility to put this in writing so they can refer to it years from now, and admit that I was right.
Sadly, there are women much older than my daughters who will try to dismiss what I'm about to say. While those women will discover the truth the hard way, I'd like to offer the rest of you a little friendly advice.
If you're a woman who's past the point of treading water and you're trying to embark on a serious relationship, you should think like an employer, and bring in someone who's qualified.
In other words, when you're looking for a man to fill a full-time position in your life, you can't keep interviewing temps.
What is a temp, you ask? If relationships were a corporate environment, the temp would be the guy you'd bring in for a week or two while the full-time employee was out sick. You wouldn't keep him any longer, though, because week three would feature him and his unemployed friends playing Madden in the mailroom while your business goes to hell in a handbasket.
Don't get me wrong. Temps are not inherently bad. But like backups on sports teams, temps ride the pine for a reason, and you never want to wait until crunch time to find out why. Therefore, as a public service to the good women who don't know how to spot a temp, I've taken the liberty of dividing them into five easily identifiable categories.
DRACULA
You can see him in mirrors, he can look at a cross, but if he only comes around after sunset and always leaves before sunrise, he's a vampire, sucking the life-blood out of you while avoiding being seen with you in the light of day.
And since it's unlikely that your life is an episode of "True Blood," there's only one reasonable explanation: He's a temp.
BUTTON BOY
If the only help he ever offers you involves straps, buttons or zippers on your clothes, he's not a tailor. He's not a clothing designer. He's not a refugee from the wardrobe department at Paramount. He's a freak. So are you. And, oh yeah, I almost forgot: He's a temp.
THE INVISIBLE MAN
If he never wants to accompany you to weddings or funerals, it's not because he's allergic to churches. It's because such events require men to pass hankies, meet family members and talk to you without getting freaky. That's way too much to expect from him. You know why? He's a temp.
MR. INCREDIBLE
Whenever you need him to do something manly like helping you to move heavy furniture, his
iPhone suddenly buzzes, and he has to dash away to rescue a kitten from a tree, apprehend a jewel thief or put out a California wildfire. When this happens more than once, there are two explanations. One, he's a wimp, and two, he's a temp.
SECRET SQUIRREL
If he disappears whenever your friends come around, it's because he has something to hide, and while he's been able to fool you, he can't risk having your friends see right through him.
Please don't get angry with those closest to you when they point out his cloak-and-dagger behavior. They're merely trying to tell you the truth before you find it out for yourself. Your man is not a keeper. He's a temp.
Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at
sj@solomonjones.com
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