As regular readers of my column may have figured out by now, I'm big into family. Out of my five jobs, the job of being a husband and father is by far the most important. If I messed that one up by, say, having an affair with some chick in Argentina, none of my other jobs would matter, because the fifth job is the reason I work so hard at the other four. Let's be clear, though. I'm not here to bash anyone for cheating on his wife, shirking his responsibilities and leading everyone to believe that he was hiking the Appalachian trail when he was apparently in South America hiking a trail of a different sort.

After all, everyone makes mistakes, and in spite of making a monumental one here, the gentleman in question says he wants to work things out with his wife. That's good. I hope his wife forgives him and his marriage is restored. I also hope that men everywhere were paying attention to the statements he made in the wake of his infidelity, because there's a lesson in this for every man on the planet.

If you have abandoned your wife, your kids, your employees and employers for an Argentine booty call on Father's Day, you must never say the following when you return:

"The other woman is my soul mate"

I'm no marriage counselor, but it can't be a good thing when the woman you vowed to love and cherish opens the newspaper and sees that you've said some other chick is your soul mate. If your wife has also gone through the pain of bearing you four children - children who can read your inane comments for themselves, by the way - you are not only risking your marriage. You're risking your life, because every wife I know would probably kill you as soon as you got home.

"This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story."

Dude, it was an affair. You were married with four kids, and you were creeping. Don't try to make it sound like "Casablanca" or something. A love story? If I came back from a South American roll in the hay and told the Associated Press it was a love story, LaVeta would be waiting for me with one of those heavy LeCreuset pots she keeps under the stove, and my next media interview would be about the dent in my head.

"I've crossed lines with other women"

If your main concern is getting back with your wife, don't open up another can of worms by saying you've crossed lines. What is your woman thinking when she hears that you did nonsexual stuff with other women? Did some chick in a leather catsuit tie you up while you barked at the moon? Were you crawling on the floor while some woman in a cowboy hat rode your back with spurs and a lasso? If you've got to use the words "crossing lines" to describe your activities, it's probably better to say nothing at all.

"I'm trying to fall back in love with my wife"

Trying? You try to get better at golf. You try to eat healthier. You don't try to fall back in love with your wife. You do it, and doing it doesn't involve leaving the country to see your side piece. Nope. Trying means long talks, dates and hand holding. If that doesn't work, just compute the cost of divorce lawyers, alimony and child support, and you'll realize what many men before you have learned through hard-won experience: It's cheaper to keep her. *

Solomon Jones will sign his new novel, "Payback," at Border's Express, Cherry Hill Mall, 2000 Route 38, Cherry Hill, July 18, from 2 to 4 p.m. For info: 856-665-6494

Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at

info@solomonjones.com.