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Solomon Jones: Sending parents away not a half-bad idea

THERE'S a safe-haven law in Nebraska that allows overwhelmed parents to drop their kids at a hospital, no questions asked. Unfortunately, Nebraska didn't attach an age limit to the law, so one dad left nine kids, including teens. Not to be outdone, an enterprising mom drove all the way from Iowa to get rid of her 14-year-old.

THERE'S a safe-haven law in Nebraska that allows overwhelmed parents to drop their kids at a hospital, no questions asked. Unfortunately, Nebraska didn't attach an age limit to the law, so one dad left nine kids, including teens. Not to be outdone, an enterprising mom drove all the way from Iowa to get rid of her 14-year-old.

As a father of three children, including a teen, I think I speak for all parents when I say, "Which way to Nebraska?"

Just kidding. But let's keep it real. If you're a parent with a teen, you've thought about it. Not because you wanted to, but because you don't have the same options as our parents did.

You can't use the old, "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out!" That's a terroristic threat. You can't break out the paddle and deliver 10 whacks. That's aggravated assault. You can't box their ears or twist their arms. That's torture. Leaving them at the place you got them from? Priceless.

Since going past the hospital stirs childbirth memories anyway, why not take your rebellious teen back to the future? Instead of letting them eat your food, spend your cash, and run up bailout-worthy cell-phone bills, parents should give teens a close-up look at the place where it all began. In fact, parents should have the option to drive teens back to the hospital and leave them there.

The whole thing could play out something like this:

"Why are we driving to the E.R., Mom and Dad?"

"They're giving away iPods."

"Where?"

"Right through that door."

"You mean the one that says, 'Drop off rebellious teens here?' "

"Ignore that. Walk right in. We'll be sitting here with the motor running."

As soon as they're through the door, you floor it. No muss. No fuss. No teen.

Of course, most of us love our kids way too much to just get rid of them that way. That's why it's imperative to make them think it was their idea.

The way I figure it, parents should tell kids that they have the same right to be fed up as parents do. In fact, we should tell them that if parents can get rid of kids when we're sick of them, kids should be able to get rid of us, too. There would only be one catch. They'd have to follow our rules.

Rule No. 1:

Parental safe havens must be on island resorts, and must always be all-inclusive (that's right, you won't be sticking us for tips).

Rule No. 2:

These safe havens must offer foot massages, even to people like me, whose second toes are longer than our first.

Rule No. 3:

Kids wishing to drop their parents off at a safe haven must provide airfare, spending money and false identification papers, just in case the parents decide that they never want to return.

I know this creates a difficult situation for kids who want their parents gone, especially in this bad economy. But you know what they say: Where there's a will, there's a way.

If a kid doesn't want to go to bed on time anymore, she can wash cars for a year and send the Old Man off to a safe haven. If a kid doesn't want to eat his vegetables, he can mow every lawn in the neighborhood 10 times and send their nagging mom to a safe haven. If a kid no longer wants to do her homework on a regular basis, she can invent a cheap, reliable electric car and use the money she earns to ship both parents to a safe haven.

I hope my kids get sick of us and send us away to a safe haven. If they did, we'd be so grateful that we'd send them a postcard. It would say, "Wish you were here." *

Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at

info@solomonjones.com.