Elmer Smith: Please explain $5,500 an hour to me

I CAN TELL you why a Mer-

cedes costs more than a Chevy, or why Brie costs more than Cheez Whiz.

But somebody help me figure out what makes a high-class hooker worth $5,500 an hour.

Even accounting for the declining value of the U.S. dollar and the escalating costs of doing business in America, this seems excessive to me.

One of the leading experts on the subject is New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer. But he was too busy yesterday to answer that question for me and the millions of men who are as perplexed as I am.

The soon-to-be-former governor of New York was appearing next to his wife in one of those mirthless couples shots that made them look like an updated version of American Gothic. He made a brief statement of contrition, then repaired to a neutral corner to examine his options.

Not that it's entirely up to him. The Justice Department is also examining a list of options that may include prosecuting Spitzer for transporting a woman across state lines for immoral purposes.

We'll probably learn more than we ever wanted to know about what specific immoral purposes he and his leased lovers engaged in. But what fascinates me is why these particular purveyors of the ancient art can command such high tariffs for their, um, services.

They apparently operate the same basic equipment that has been employed in the trade since the first prehistoric pimp hung a red light outside his comfort cave. So it's not anatomical.

The accommodations, while no doubt plush, hardly justify this kind of markup. So, what is it that makes the Emperor's Club VIP so pricey?

Well, I can tell you what the $5,500 doesn't buy: anonymity.

The Emperor's Club VIP was busted Thursday by federal prosecutors who gathered indictable evidence via wiretap. Four people were in custody by the end of the week.

Apparently prosecutors worked through the weekend listening to one or more of the four sing the Will Tell Overture. By Saturday, the New York Times was running down a tip that Spitzer was in fact the john formerly known as Client 9.

The club's Web site suddenly disappeared from cyberspace this week. But not before some explanatory excerpts were preserved on other sites.

According to a CNN report, Emperor's VIP offered to unite "the most impressive models to leading gentlemen of the world." Spitzer fit that bill.

The catalog included "fashion models, pageant winners and exquisite students," who were made available for "gentlemen of exquisite standards." Even so, their pictures made them look kind of ordinary.

The service, according to a Web ad that ran on the Huffington Post, was reserved "for a select group of educated, refined and successful international clients." Spitzer met that standard.

"All rendezvous," the ad boasted, "are individually-crafted to service the needs of your specific occasion."

Impressive models, pageant winners and exquisite students providing Individually Crafted Rendevous for Refined and Successful International Clients. Sounds good enough to raise the rates a few dollars.

But $5,500 an hour?

Turns out that only a select few shell out that kind of dough. A complicated rating system lists the women by diamonds. A three-diamond date can go for as little as $1,000 an hour while a seven-diamond, the top billing, can charge $3,000.

For $5,500 an hour, a gentleman of distinction gets to join the "Icon club," which affords him a list of options commoners can only dream of.

Spitzer's public downfall has prompted political opponents to pile on gleefully. But he may gain some small consolation from the distinguished gents who have rushed to his defense.

"Big deal - man goes to prostitute," Harvard law professor and Spitzer friend Alan Dershowitz said yesterday. "In Europe, this wouldn't even make the back pages of the newspapers."

Not exactly a stirring tribute. But, Dershowitz, whose rate per billable hour puts him in three-diamond status, didn't charge Spitzer a dime. *

Send e-mail to smithel@phillynews.com or call 215-854-2512. For recent columns: http://go.philly.com/smith