IT'S BEEN A SAD, dull week in the world of celebrity gossip. Did a lady rapper recently out of jail do something dumb? Did a singer's illegal sexual preferences, commonly known for years, stagger back into the public eye like the pedophilic undead? Did some rich jerk get arrested for having a bunch of neglected pit bulls? Did another overprivileged spawn of the D-list who put someone in the hospital by driving like an idiot get sentenced to jail time? There's an odd deja vu to this whole week. But first!

Retouched by an angel

Annie Leibowitz, the photographer most recently in the news for taking a could-maybe-sort-of-be-perceived-as-racy shot of 15-year-old Miley Cyrus for the cover of Vogue, is stuck in the news for a little longer.

Retoucher Pascal Dangin, who is apparently as famous as retouchers get, was quoted in the New Yorker saying he had done a lot of work on Leibowitz's shots for Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty, which features underwear-clad women who are less bony than the average fashion model (the New Yorker writer tactfully described them as "lumpier-than-usual).

"Do you know how much retouching was on [that campaign]?" [Dangin] asked. "But it was great to do, a challenge, to keep everyone's skin and faces showing the mileage but not looking unattractive."

Seeing as how the campaign was pointedly against the unrealistic beauty ideals that retouching upholds, many have called Dove out for hypocrisy. Dove, Leibowitz and Dangin are all now denying that Dangin spruced up women's bodies, saying that he just color-corrected and removed dust from the film.

As someone who has had jobs doing color-correction and retouching, SatTatt would like to put it out there: EVERYONE gets retouched. Even the disturbingly thin, even the abnormally beautiful. Check out this month's cover of Vogue with a oddly robotic-looking Gwyneth Paltrow for a good example. So don't act so surprised, media.

Inanity now!

Expanding on things alluded to in the first paragraph: It's almost as if a computer program analyzed all the celebrity gossip of the past few years and punchcards with this week's gossip came out the other end. Where are the good old days of Nicolas Cage stealing Chihuahuas?

Foxy Brown yesterday pleaded guilty to assaulting a Brooklyn neighbor with her BlackBerry, but avoided jail time based on time she's already served for a fight she had with manicurists in a nail salon. If you were wondering what kind of damage can be done with a BlackBerry, the court documents charge Brown with "bruising the eye and causing damage to the teeth" of her neighbor. As part of the deal, Foxy wrote a letter of apology to her neighbor, who right before having a BlackBerry thrown at her face took issue with the volume of the rapper's car radio  . . . The jury selection for R. Kelly's child pornography trial began in Chicago yesterday. The details of Kelly's case undercut the old adage "15 will get you 20;" the singer, who videotaped himself having sex with a girl estimated to be 13 or 14, faces up to 15 (not 20) years in prison.  . . . Rapper DMX was arrested on drug and animal-cruelty charges yesterday after a raid on his Phoenix house turned up weapons, marijuana and five pit-bull puppies. The arrest is connected to another raid last August in which 12 malnourished dogs were seized and three dog corpses found buried in the backyard. This is DMX's second arrest this week: He was also arrested on Tuesday for going

114 mph on a suburban freeway . . . 17-year-old Nick Bollea, better known as the son of former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan, was sentenced to eight months in jail and five years of community service for causing a crash that seriously brain-damaged his best friend while street-racing. The conviction will not remain on Bollea's record when he turns 18 in a few months . . .

Every living creature dies alone

Finally, in what appears to be an attempt to cause rage/despair in the "20- 30-year-olds who were unpopular in high school" demographic and utter disinterest in everyone else, there's going to be a sequel to 2001 cult hit "Donnie Darko." Whether you like it or not!

Fox has already taken North American rights for the $10 million-budgeted "S. Darko," which will take place seven years after the original and follow Donnie's sister Samantha.

Original director Richard Kelly (no relation to R. Kelly) has nothing to do with the project. The sequel will instead be directed by Chris Fisher, whose catalog includes "Nightstalker" and "Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders."

"S. Darko starts" shooting May 18. SatTatt predicts that after the travesty that was "Star Wars" Episodes 1-3, some dedicated fan will step forward and, taking a cue from the original Donnie, burn the whole business down in the middle of the night before anything worse can happen. * 

Daily News wire services contributed to this report.