THE LAST TIME we heard about Philadelphia gaining a national ranking - from Allstate insurance - we were in the top 10. Cool.

. . . of American cities with the worst drivers. Oh!

Pardon any typos. I'm texting this as I stir my coffee while doing 70 on the Blue Route.

The Allstate beat-down followed earlier "research" that found Philly a gross place to live, filled with fat, unfriendly, ugly people. (At least we're not French.)

Generally, such studies are as scientific as reading chicken entrails or tern turds. They are done, mostly, to build magazine circulation or to get free advertising.

(See "Allstate" above.)

Considering how grody Philadelphians are, it's no surprise we aren't getting much sex.

Says who?

Trojan.

Not the big Greek gift horse as hollow as a bureaucrat's heart, but the "no glove, no love" company that makes what used to be called "prophylactics," which now are called (politely) "condoms," or (impolitely) "politicians" or "scumbags."

In the Trojan-commissioned study, Philly lay limp in two categories I call "Doin' It" and "Likin' It."

By the way, Trojan says it has a new product called Ecstasy that "employs a groundbreaking new design." I didn't peek, but I think the new design is a raised silhouette of George Clooney.

The bad sex report aroused Your Favorite Columnist.

[Editor's note: Stu's wife might be pleased to hear that.]

Philly was a shameful ninth in "sexual frequency." No. 1 was Houston (I think because the poll did not specify the sexual partner had to be human). The Texans "did it" 101 times a year, followed by No. 2 Atlanta, with 88. Washington, D.C., unrolled an 86. That is explained by one word: Interns. (I'm ribbing you.)

On the down side, the only city with a droopier score than Philly at 73 was - grab yourself - San Francisco, with a tragic 60. Those tales we've heard that San Francisco is a lubricated, libertine city are wrong?

I'm being ultrasensitive because San Francisco is gay as a Mister Softee truck and some gays want us to think they get sex like the rest of us get lottery tickets. It's a recruiting tool. ("You want action? Join our faction!")

We climax with the "sexual satisfaction rate." Houston fell to third place (around where the Astros are) with 70 percent. Atlanta owns first place with a stiff 73 and New York is sandwiched between them with 71. (No Mets fans were included in the survey.)

[Editor's note: Stu can't possibly know that.]

Philadelphia languished in eighth place with a flaccid 64, edging sad San Francisco at 63. Boston was dead last with 60. Probably something to do with beans.

 
Nationally, Trojan reports that a throbbing two-thirds of Americans wish they had sex more often. (The remaining one-third are postmenopausal women.)

[Editor's note: The first fraction comes from the survey. The second comes from Stu.]

One of five Americans are "extremely satisfied" with their sex lives. (The rest are married.)

[Editor's note: There he goes again.]

An excited 4 percent of Americans say that they have "too much" sex. (The rest are not Paris Hilton or Leonardo DiCaprio.) Finally, 76 percent say they are looking for ways to make their sex lives more exciting. (The remaining 24 percent are men who find the word "yes" exciting enough.)

This concludes my column. I feel satisfied.

[Editor's note: Bad news for Stu's wife.]

E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns:

http://go.philly.com/byko.