Q: A good buddy of mine from college came to visit with his wife and a mutual friend we've known for a few years. We had a good time together, but after they left my wife told me that she was certain that my buddy's wife was having an affair with our other friend. She listed several things that she noticed, but I hadn't. Now she thinks I should talk with my college buddy about it. I don't want to see the guy hurt. Any ideas?

Steve:

This is a situation in which you get to do what I do in every column: Play dumb. I guarantee that if you raise this issue with your pal, no good will come of it for your friendship. If something is going on, he'll likely figure it out. And if he ever asks whether you suspected anything, say no. Getting involved in a friend's relationship when it turns messy is almost always a recipe for pain.

Mia: Steve's advice might be true in guy world. But with my own tight circle of girlfriends, we tend to err on the side of full disclosure. Even when the truth hurts.

I don't advocate that for everyone, though, because this approach can easily backfire. You can wind up being blamed. Or else the friend might resent you for making him confront an issue before he's ready. And what if you're wrong? It's safer to say nothing and hope for the best.

Some readers felt that we erred on our advice to a stay-at-home mom unhappy about having to ask her husband for money. We suggested that she think about getting a part-time job to have money of her own. Here's what some of you had to say:

_ "Marriage is a partnership. Even though the husband in this case is the breadwinner, he should not 'control all the money.' Does the wife 'control' his access to the children, since this is her area in their setup? Of course not.

"A joint bank account and an attitude of equality are definitely called for. If the wife feels like she needs to work outside the home for her own fulfillment, then she should. However, the teenage years are a time when the children probably need her care and supervision even more than earlier. Your general tone of the wife having to earn money to 'have a little for herself' and not feel like a 'beggar' reveals a lot about your view of the equality of the partnership of marriage."

_ "Horrible advice. This mother has a legitimate, full-time job - her 10- and 12-year-old. Couples should discuss money before the marriage, but this husband has it all wrong according to my thinking. This couple needs a budget: his, hers, each child's and ours. She should not feel guilty about needing or just wanting money . . . Mia and Steve, you are both wrong!"