Solomon Jones: Loudmouth noise that always annoys

WHY IS IT that the very people who need to shut up are always the loudest? I see it on the subway, I see it on the streets, and now I see it creeping into the places I used to consider safe havens.

I was in a computer lab at a local university the other day and it happened. Two guys and a girl walked in and put the rest of us on notice. It was their world, and we were just squirrels, trying to get nuts.

"Girl, I'm [expletive deleted] gonna get on a [expletive deleted] reality show and be a [expletive deleted] star!" one of the guys said. "With my [expletive deleted] personality, I'd get a [expletive deleted] movie deal like [expletive deleted] that!"

I'm deleting the expletives because this is a family column. But I'm not deleting my annoyance.

The fact that these folks were old enough to know better bothered me more than their Richard Pryor meets Andrew Dice Clay commentary. It wasn't like they were teenagers. At least then I could've understood the thought process.

Girls think this way: "If I run through a subway car cursing loudly while wearing my little sister's shirt and jeans that exhibit more muffin top than Dunkin' Donuts, nearby adults whom I may one day have to solicit for a job may think I'm an idiot, but my broke girlfriends who talk behind my back will think I'm really cool!"

Boys think this way: "If I can construct a sentence using a curse word as a noun, verb and adjective, yell it repeatedly in a library, and do it while wearing pants that show my underwear, that girl over there will like me. Maybe she'll even let me squeeze her muffin top."

I get that. I was a teen once. I was loud. I was wrong. That's why I know that even the worst teen offender is capable of growing out of rude behavior. Unfortunately, this does not happen for everyone.

For some folks, 16 lasts forever. Although I realize that such people use public stupidity as a defense mechanism to keep others at bay, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's especially hard when I keep seeing these poor, tortured souls everywhere I go.

They enter the quiet car on Amtrak and whip out a cell phone to tell Pooch there's going to be a party tonight. But they don't stop there. They sing every club song that will be played at the party, and do so while trying to convince others to join them in the aisle for a round of the Electric Slide.

They walk into a daycare center and yell about their bedroom exploits in a room full of 4-year-olds. They loudly discuss male enhancement while you're in line at the zoo with your kid. They scream obscenities in a movie theater when you're watching a Pixar flick with your family. They basically make life in any public place a living hell.

These people come from all backgrounds. They are sports fans who eat and drink themselves into a stupor before plunking down their hard-earned money for the right to harass others. They are bosses who lie awake thinking of ways to terrorize their charges. They are customer service representatives who will go to their graves never having delivered a single service.

I know you want to dislike these people, but I've got a better idea. Let's help them. First, they'll have to do something for us. They'll have to shut up.

That's right, obnoxious people. Instead of going through life believing something is wrong with you and acting crazy so we can't get close enough to see it, be quiet, accept yourself for who you are, and let us get to know the real you.

You might be surprised. We might actually start to like you.*

Solomon Jones will read from his Daily News column and his novel "Payback" at the Free Library Festival on Friday at 3 p.m. The Central Library, Skyline Room, 1900 Vine St.

Solomon's column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at info@solomonjones.com